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March 2019

We Dance Like the Marionettes...
March 14, 2019

It's almost six a.m. and I probably won't get any more sleep in until after noon. There's an at-home nurse that comes by once a week to check on me, and she's scheduled to come by between 10 a.m. and 11, which probably means 9:50 a.m. in actuality.
Really all they do is check your blood pressure and ask you some questions. They're not here long.

I made the trek to wal-mart again about an hour ago. Using the steering wheel is still the hardest thing to do, followed by shifting gears, depending on what gear I'm already in. I truly hope that I get another 100k out of this Mazda. I got 200k out of the last Mazda before it just died, but that was probably most likely my fault by not doing routine maintenance over many years. I'd get something fixed if it was absolutely necessary, but there are so many snakes that operate business in Northern Virginia that I got burned too many times.
Hosed by Monroe, hosed by Meineke, hosed at a Shell gas station where the mechanic didn't really seem to want to work on the car and told me that it was almost done. I got about 8 more years out of it, so whatever.
Hosed by a local shop that was in the process of having the owner retire and being continued by some of his previous workers. Guy even had his own local t.v show.
But the new guys were thieves.
The only time I ever felt like I got a fair shake anywhere was at Just Tires, and then after I had finally found an honest mechanic, which is about as hard to find as an honest dentist, from my experience.

Anyway. When I got back from wal-mart I noticed that my apartment is actually kind of stinky, enough for me to notice. It could be the garlic sitting out on the counter, though. Will have to put that in the cupboard.

Ah but the snakes of Northern Virginia. How did I ever survive there for 15 years? I never did meet many people that I actually got along with. Most people are work/career oriented and have honed their fakeness to an art form.
There were a few that I got along with, but mostly from work. The guy I used to buy weed off of worked the same job as I did and actually lived in the same apartment complex I did, so that was easy. I still talk to him though, even though I haven't seen him in over ten years.
Yeah, come to think of it, most of the people that I did get along with were the handful that I did at work, but no one's personal lives intersected except for the aforementioned.

I did like hanging out with some of Marie's friends. I think a group of us went out to eat once, we'd do karaoke often enough, and another group of us went to the corn maze in the fall. Went to a few concerts with some friends of hers from college, both writer dudes. Well, one's like a stoner writer dude with a degree in lit, and the other guy is serious about it, even moving to Cape Cod or some place up farther north, just because.
They both unfriended me on fb after Marie and I broke up, though. Maybe she mentioned how I was berating her after we broke up, or maybe it was one of those things online where people are your friend online just because they know the other person. Once you're out of the picture they unfriend you, that kind of thing.
Shame. I liked hanging out with Mike and Justin. Mike started having kids, and Justin is pretty much spoiled I think. His dad's a photographer that does good business, so the guy was still living at home at around the age of 34, until he met this one lady and they moved in together. (not to put that down. Who knows all the circumstances?)
It's funny too because his ex before the dermatologist...I only met her once, but there was a recognition of sorts when we were introduced to one another. Maybe it's all in my head or I looked like someone she's seen or known before. Again, who knows? All I know is that for the briefest of moments I was attracted to her in a way that I can't put into words. She was nice-looking enough, but it wasn't a physical attraction at all.

I don't even look or hope to meet anyone ever again, now. I've got too many negative things going on in my life, and I don't want to put that burden on anybody, in a relationship. I also don't want to have to deal with somebody else's baggage, either.

Bless the stars I guess for my brother, then. He has done more for me in this past year and few months than anyone has ever done for me, but I know his patience is wearing thin. He's said that if I mess up again he is probably just going to wash his hands of me. Not in those exact words, but it was made pretty clear to me.

He got me that CBD oil on Sunday and dropped it off, and I got him to shave my head so I look a bit like my former self. When he was leaving though I went to thank him and shake his hand, and I could sense just in him with the way he paused and looked at my hand that he's lost trust in me. I can't let him down again.

The biggest fear or thing that I loathe is even the idea of thinking about having to find a job somewhere. My resume would be laughable to a career-minded person. Basically I did whatever the hell I wanted after I left the military, which was a freedom in itself. The only good thing that would be on there is the fact I stayed at my last job for 15 years. It's not like I progressed anywhere, though. I just went to work everyday and fought every bit of anger possible in an effort to simply be done with the work and then go home and get fucked up. It was an extremely demanding and repetitive job and I found myself having to do things that simply HAD to be done or basically I wasn't going home until very late.
My greatest regrets about the job though were staying as long as I did, and not contributing to my 401k earlier than I did. I think I must have been there 5 or 6 years before I finally started taking the reins a bit on my own choices about how and where the money was invested.
There was no way I would have been able to go to any kind of university classes, either, even if I would have been a sober person. I am not that driven of a person, and just the time constraints alone would have been problematic. I also don't like working in or on a team of people. Absolutely hate it, because what I feel is happening is that the resources (labor and knowledge) are being pooled together and somebody at the top is getting that much richer in the process.

I was extremely reckless (in my own way) and became a totally different person in the process. I also became very selfish as well, to the point where other people were suffering because of my actions and were hurt psychologically. Probably or possibly traumatized, as well.

But it's time to pay the piper now, isn't it?
When you hurt others you hurt yourself, too. No way around that.
Now the diuretics are starting to kick in and I will be on a pissing spree for about the next hour. It's a necessary thing, though, to flush the fluid out of my abdomen (ascites). I don't have a whole lot right now. 3 weeks in the hospital will clear that up rather quickly.

All righttt. First urination is 500 ml at 645 a.m. And I didn't even drink much water yesterday. Maybe a cup and half of milk and then enough water to take my medications with. And a Monster.
I need to stop drinking those things, too. I hadn't had one in about 7 weeks, now I've had 4 in two days. They're high in sodium, among other things, and probably shouldn't be the beverage of the moment for someone that had a seizure 7 weeks ago. Stupid is as stupid does, I guess.
Another stupid thing I did, last week, was to cook a frozen pizza in the oven. Getting it out was difficult, and if I would have dropped anything it was going to go straight to the bottom of the oven and god knows what could have happened after that.
Suddenly bored. I haven't eaten a whole lot in the past 20 hours or so. Three bowls of grape-nuts will do that to a person. Hopefully there is no pain waiting around the corner for me.
I had delivery pizza the other night, and after a while my back just started aching, in a way that I've always associated with having eaten too much salt over a short period of time. Probably my kidneys swelling or something. I did come close to vomiting - had the bucket out in front of me and my head dangled, with that hot, dripping spit that just is probably there to lube up the esophagus and mouth, the kind you can't stop, spilling out of my cheeks.
The nausea eventually passed, but the pain continued for at least another 4 hours, I'd wager.

Well, I'll end it at that. Just have to wait for the nurse to show up and also I need to make a few phone calls later. Maybe this circadian rhythm thing will right itself.

by Zombalaya
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