August 2, 2022
I've learned that the dreams we can remember are messages for us, and last night's dream could be construed as a whopper.
I'd been asked to a meeting with someone super important, but it seemed like every obstacle was in my way, I couldn't get there in time, the elevator doors closed on me, a door was locked, and I broke a shoe, ad nauseum. I see the man (yes, clearly a man) I was supposed to meet, walking across the lobby of said important space. He wouldn't talk to or acknowledge me. I followed him and the entourage to the parking lot where the number of folx started to dwindle.
He acted like he couldn't hear me as he got into his very expensive car, even though the top was down, he turned the radio up and revved the car. Audibly saying, "I can't hear you!"
Flipping the script, I went into a rage and began punching him (the guy looked like Tommy Shelby from "Peaky Blinders"). He decides to put the top up on the car, and I launch myself at it breaking the frame. In the process, I keep punching, kicking, and grabbing anything I can get my hands on. Finally, I got a handful of his hair, and I banged his head against the door where the bottom of the window would be. I mean I did it several times, and I yell, "Why did you ask me to come if you're going to treat me like this?"
Opening the car door, he half gets out, grabs me in his arms, and we're both crying. He says, "I had to make sure you really wanted it." We stand there together crying.
Then, I woke up...
WHAT!!! Really wanted what? Who's the guy? Me? Am I fighting myself over something? My inner Divine Masculine? Is it Ranger? Doubtful because we talk out everything, so, is it Brian? Something/one else?
Hell if I know. One of the things I need to do is stop talking about, grieving, and worrying about Brian. I know it's a process, but it'd be better if this was a clean break. I can't seem to get the image of him practically stuffing himself into the corner of that psychiatrist's couch as far away from me as possible looking like a wounded animal. As if he'd been the one who'd been betrayed. Fuck, y'all. I was so angry with him that day. I did want to hurt him, physically...a lot.
And Ranger, the perceptive...he knew something heavy was on my mind, and when we talked about it, he brought up his experiences with EVG. He's been so supportive about this whole thing, and he admitted he questions himself making sure we talk out everything so neither of us has to experience the heartache of being betrayed again. He said it's an honor to share time and space with me, so if someone didn't want that, they're the stupid one.
And yet, if I'm fighting myself...what about? Isn't the subconscious grand?