|stop waiting and go|
October 24, 2020
More, more, and more of the same around here. I finally got up the gumption to remove the laundry hamper from our bedroom to start tacking Mt. Washmore. Already this morning, I'm three loads in. I mean, I've done a few loads here and there, but mostly, I've been putting it off. Laundry as well as, well, most everything. If it isn't an immediate need, who cares? I've been living in this weird space where everything must be done yesterday and giving no fucks about anything.
Usually, I guess that would be pre-pandemic, I lived in a space where I seemed to have it together and most things were accomplished. Not so much anymore; I spend too much time doom-scrolling and escaping into the few games I do play.
Yesterday, in classes, I admitted my attention span has lessened during this fiasco, and I'm kind of pissed about that. I think we're all beginning to realize there's no return to pre-covid, and some people just cannot get it together, hence the increase in violence. Never mind the rampant virus, what about lack of funds and jobs. I mean why is there even fighting about helping the people? So stupid.
It's a wonder anyone can focus on anything right now.
So, I wonder, how do we go forward, how do we, okay me, how do I crawl out of this? How do I reclaim my life and keep my gawdzdamn sanity? I've turned into someone I don't much like, and I really want to find my way back to me.
Sometimes, it's weird, I came here to write about something else, but this is what came out. I wanted to write about the movie "Pay It Forward" is now 20 years old. It's one of my favorites even though I haven't seen it in a long time. There's something about being kind and doing good for others not because you get your ticket punched so you can wind up in some kind of paradise, but because it's the right thing to do.
This might relate to the above because the movie taught me to be kind-not that I wasn't before, but on a deeper level. I guess that's also about the time the x-hasbeen's aunt stepped forward, and told me I was worthy and smart enough to go to college, to do the hard things, and she showed me even when my relationship with her nephew was falling apart that friendship is incredibly precious. Really, MaryK taught me to meet people right where they are and accept them as such, not who we think they can be or want them to be. We cannot make people want what we want them to want. She taught me to be genuine, true to myself, and live in grace.
I think I may have veered away; caught up in all the negativity. What will it take to get back? Right now, I don't know, but I think if I focus on the things weighing me down and cleaning up my spaces, I'll feel better. Anyway, I'm going to try.
Love and belief~