November 15, 2020
"you are here to risk your heart. you are here to be swallowed up." from the painted drum by louise erdrich
the pattern emerging is a mild dose of panic a few times a day. by late evening i just want to be totally distracted by a book or movie. movies work best the last 2 nites. i need another novel from the library, hoping one will come in soon from my reserve list.
early mornings are the hours when a sadness creeps in and settles itself in my eyes.
i know i am about to be swallowed up. there is no way to control any of this. i have been on such rides before. they take you where they take you. you have no influence or say. you are just swept along. sometimes there are lulls where you wait, suspended in a new found version of peace or at least the peace of everything being more or less stable. you never know how long that will last. minutes, hours, days, months? you are always reminded eventually, there is no controlling this ride and again you find yourself inside the belly of the beast.
inside, putting one foot in front of the other, just doing the next thing, in moments of peace or panic driven moments to act, think, ask, help NOW, something, anything! either one, the heart stretches to meet each demand and within the moments of peace and rest it sees with ever greater clarity, with an ever better trained eye that everything and everyone is so very precious and beautiful. a marvel. just hold a rock in your hand or watch a beetle cross the sand, you can't help notice it all with a sense of new wonder. and in those other moments of acute they call it, even then, the heart begins to understand, it is not in our hands at all, and either way, wherever we land, holding onto another's hand, it really will be okay because the heart has been trained in these new ways, where risking one's heart, again and again and again, IS the only way, it is the only thing that makes this ride worthwhile. scarred, broken, battle weary, hearts warrior on. as we are swallowed up, which we will all be at one point or another, or many times, one after another, let the taste not be bitter, let what lingers on the tongue be sweet. well trained hearts can make it so. i have been in training. this is my only goal, the only thing i can control.