|It's not worth the pain|
October 7, 2021
There are days I just don't want to wake up. The same ole fight just a different day. There is no solution, just me left with giant hurt, guilt and regret. And him angry, punching things ready to bite my head off and stopping short. It doesnt help work like has been shit and he didn't talk to me about that- just doubles down on the annoyance? Hatred? Of the man/child. If he moved out tomorrow and never came home or called I believe that would be too soon. The conversation never changes.
'lets have the conversation', no I say. I don't want to have it. It never changes, I know how it ends. The conversation doesn't solve anything. I talk my self into it's ok until the next time it comes up.
In reality, it's not ok. It never will be and it might just ruin the good. Thank go my anti depressants have been increased.
I know this isn't fair, the situation is so complex. Am I hurt about the same stupid argument or is it because he doesn't share his pain and frustration with me? I'm just the closest outlet to hold the frustration.
The situation is complex. I too don't share everything. Like the PTSD I get when he's angry the left overs are eaten, or the toaster is left out or the doorknob falls off. I don't share that it frightens me and takes be back to a childhood that wasn't great. That comparison hurts him. I know this so I stuff it way down until I can't anymore. The rage worries me, no, not for safety but for him to not know how to deal with everything.
I find self biting my tongue all the time and feeling incredibly alone in a house full of people, my people..I shouldn't have moved the boys back home- especially the poor decision maker. There wasn't an another option. Each of the six we help different ways. The A's plus B hey money invested in their home, we find jobs to pay A when work is sorry. He cosigned for a truck for the 20 year old that cost more than my car, even though he's never paid back for the motor cycle. The college girls get money for school, living expenses.
The poor decision maker owes us too due to his legal trouble and car issues. He's actually paid back about 8k over the last 3 years. Still owes a big chunk due to back rent, car problem ECT. I MAKE him pay me back. It's that a double standard,?
I just hate all of it so much. The loneliness is overwhelming on the deafening noise.