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October 2020

Venting a Little / Opinions
October 19, 2020

I see a dietician this week. I remember seeing a dietician years ago and her advice worked for maybe a few weeks before old habits settled back in. Maybe this time will be different.

I want this time to be different. I hate being this heavy. But why is it... I can read trusted websites about health and foods and try to follow their suggestions, but I can never keep at it long enough to form new habits.

Also, why do old habits seem to lurk in the shadows of new habits, waiting to pounce... even a year or two later? Like in 2010-11, I was doing so well at my weight-loss until I visited my family in Canada who I hadn't seen in two years. When I came back from that visit in 2011, I had gained weight and any thoughts of losing it seemed to dissipate as well. It took 3-4 years to gain back all the weight I had lost in the year before and I've not seen even a quarter of that success (short as it was) since.

My problem, I feel, runs deeper than simply following expert advice. I think my problem has a lot to do with my mental health, habits that don't want to die, and my behavior around food. I feel it would be so much easier if we didn't need food to survive. I hope this dietician can help direct me to where I can get the most help.

I want to lose at least 100 pounds and I know it's not easy (definitely will not be easy at my age). I've been trying to tackle being overweight most of my life. I keep wanting a healthier body. While I've learned to love myself (especially if I don't look at my reflection), I don't think/believe that I can be "healthy at any size". I don't know anyone who is healthy being this much overweight. They might say they are and I could take their word for it, but then they later mention all these medications they're on. To me, medicine means someone's sick, even if they're only temporarily sick.

On the other hand, I do believe that one might be happy at any size. Happiness doesn't have to be tied to a scale or one's appearance and size. It could be tied to your health I guess, but I've seen/met quite a few overweight people in my life who seem genuinely happy. Even a few who seemed "over the moon". I feel content most of the time, but I am happy at times. Just like I can be angry or sad at other times. It all depends on how I wake up or even what happens during the day.

Anyway, I probably should not have weighed myself this morning after having had salty foods over the weekend, but I did. I did not like the number. But I was probably expecting it a little bit because I am not upset. I can see sunshine and blue sky, so I'm happy at the moment.

Weighty Issues
by Christine
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