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May 2016

A long, rambling entry...
May 17, 2016

On Thursday, during a group therapy session, I was lamenting about my weight and food addiction. I know what I have to do and what has worked in the past but I need to find and hold onto my motivation and willpower. The group didn't say anything I didn't already know, but I think I asked them to be witnesses… to hold me accountable… and the woman leading the group said they would. I still worry that they'll forget or just shrug their shoulders if I don't do well.

So, I have to keep a daily food journal and walk twice a day. That's the goals I told them I would do. The food journal is just a simple spiral notebook. I've been recording what I eat, when and why. I've also been tracking my water, how often I walk, and my thoughts on that day. Nothing mind blowing yet, but I am learning a few things.

I also started wearing my Fitbit again (as of today). It's been a few months since I took it off. During the first week I wore it, back in December, I walked a lot more than I was used to walking and my body complained. My feet, ankles, knees and hips "screamed" at me to take it easy. I felt like the Fitbit was making me competitive to the point of pain. I wanted to feel the buzz for reaching a goal. Since taking it off, I haven't walked as much. I also missed the heartrate and sleep tracker on it. I just have to remember that it cannot get wet.

I do like the new "hourly activity and stationary time" tile… on the Fitbit. Since putting it back on at noon, I have done the recommended 250+ steps each hour. It's currently set for 9am-6pm, but I may change that at a later time. One minor concern is that I won't be able to reach this daily goal every day, even if I'm active between those hours. For example, I don't walk around all the time at the shelter, yet I'm active (feeding cats, cleaning cages, etc). I'm still excited about it.

My weight is over 100 pounds heavier than I would like, but at least it seems stable. I haven't gained beyond a certain number, but it's also been years since I've been below a certain number as well. Once upon a time, I lost 95 pounds and was at my lowest adult weight, but then I took a break from what was working and all my weight came back with friends. Now I am struggling to find that same spark that made me want to be healthier (and lose weight) 6 years ago.

And I realize at this moment, that maybe that "magical" spark is gone for good and that I need to find a new spark.

So, I thought of having goals to aim for that are different than daily goals. Goals that might allow me to see a spark that I need to jump back on a wagon and hopefully stay on.

Goals like…

-To feel comfortable in clothes. I'm not into fashion, nor do I know what looks great on me, but I want clothes that are not too tight or revealing.

-To do some kind of fitness besides walking that won't hurt me to the point that I give up. I'm not talking about the usual muscle aches that come with exercising, but other pains. For example, my feet, ankles, knees and/or hips are good at complaining if I try to walk faster than my usual pace.

-To walk up a hill and not feel achy or winded. There was a time I could walk up the steeper hills and only be slightly out of breath, but lately I get achy just walking up a short incline. I complain about hating hills and hubby will say that I'm in the wrong state. We laugh. Someday, it would be nice to enjoy the hills.

-Being able to sit on a chair and not worry if it'll support my weight. I don't want a repeat of a chair falling apart, causing me to fall and for everyone to laugh. I know they weren't laughing at me, but it was still embarrassing and it hurt.

I will not quit.

Weighty Issues
by Christine
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