October 14, 2020
Well I made it through one day of eating better. It's so easy for me to just tell myself one more fast food meal and I will change the way I eat. Too many of those days. Too much saying I will start on Monday so it's okay to wait out the week and do what I want.
Ya I've said and thought this before. My resolve is not shaky and I don't have a lot of confidence that I can do this anymore. Not being able to walk any distance and the level of pain have really worn me down. Really wondering if I have a a lot of time. I see my legs swelling again. My endurance is low. I've pretty much withdrawn from any social life. I'm working 4 hours a day which is better than I was doing but it's a real struggle to do even that.
You know you can only do what you can do. I'm not giving up. I do have to prepare things just in case. I can't bare the thought of not being here for my son especially now. What he's doing is scary for him. He is rebuilding his entire life. Every aspect of it. It's daunting for someone with a big family and support system. For him.....there is only me. Yes his mother is there but she can't help him through this. She has not understanding or tools to help someone in this situation. So I need to stay alive. I need to be there for him.
My heart aches when I think about how fragile my son is right now. It's going to take time. As time goes by and he sees he will be okay it will change. Just have to get him to that point.
So I guess what I'm saying is I'm afraid too.
Things I am thankful for:
up and walking today
feeling pretty good
not giving up......ever....just hope that's enough