March 14, 2019
Blew off some steam last night. It was a perfect spring evening. So nice.
Still no idea what I will do with the boys. it will come to me. Just have to let it happen in it's own time. Sometimes I wish I was faster at processing my own emotions. Seems to be a part of me that has a lot of work left to do.
A while back I decided to just let it go. Not push to make that part work better. It's fine as long as I don't have anyone close to me. As long as I don't have to maintain any relationship. My son is a different story. He and I are connected on a much deeper level and don't have difficulty communicating. It's with others I have difficulties. Not that my issues are unique. Everyone has them. I think what makes my situation more uncommon is that I don't have difficulty being alone or having limited contact with others. My need to be around people can be sated with simply being in proximity to them. I don't need to feel that deeply connected.
When I was growing up....and I know I have written about his before......I didn't feel connected to anyone. I would see families and their interactions and was baffled by their relationships. How connected they seemed to be. How they felt emotions. How easily they seemed to be able to display that emotion at the right times and in the right way. How it was just part of them. So natural.
I had to develop that in myself. Grow that part of me that had never been cultivated. As funny as this sounds TV was my first source for examples of family and personal emotional attachment. Probably like that to a lesser degree for a lot of kids. For me it was something to aspire to. Have that family that talked to each other. Parents that helped you solve problems. Taught you how to live in the world and deal with life's lessons. Build resiliency.
Sadly that was not to be LOL. Not in my family.
So my path was different than most. It has taken me many many years to become who I am. Some of the work so painful there were times I wanted to give up. To just let go and surrender.........I could never bring myself to do that.
So here I am again, forced to face a part of me that I had hoped to let fade in the background while I lived my life as simply as possible. I guess that is not the way the rest will play out for me. Not complaining. Don't feel sorry for myself. It is what it is.
Things I am thankful for:
the opportunities I've been given