|I'm not like other girls....|
June 23, 2022
The beauty of writing on My-Journal has always been the absolute anonymity. There were plenty of options, especially 20 years ago. Very few that weren't just a type of social media in long form.
The computer and the internet altered my brain and thinking in ways that I suspected even years ago but only know have come to recognize the full impact. I probably would have done nothing differently, made the same choices. But I may be would have been more vigilant about maintaining old ways of doing things.
I have a lot to write about. There have been extreme changes and to flesh them out with writing seems important but I am very rusty. I don't know at what point I stopped writing much altogether. I figured I had nothing to say.
Most of these paragraphs are more of a separate idea than it all being a cohesive whole. My therapist says eventually it all ties together, that its much more interconnected than it may seem at first.
I remember when the backlash against "I'm not like other girls" gained footing on social media. It wasn't surprising considering how much emphasis our culture put on being special and individualism. It made it a bit harder to explain to people that when I say I'm not like other women - or even better - not like other people, I wasn't jumping on trend. It's been like that my whole life.
I have great difficulty connecting to other people. Some people who have problems in real life, thrive on the internet. It's all the same. Probably since I have no real knack for guile. And I'm guilty of making myself so homogenized and bland -- non-threatening, as to be unnoticeable by most.
I am the person that people reveal themselves to because they dismiss me as a threat. And I can't be any other way. I dumb myself down to the extreme and people literally think I'm slow.
As women get older too, they get easier to dismiss. Older women become invisible. My body has betrayed me in ways that have stripped me of anything physical that made me an object of notice. If we try to stay relevant, it is pretty amazing how many people are willing to try to shut that down.
I don't mind being invisible. It's a survival skill. It was a lot harder when I couldn't be invisible. So I should be content. And I am.
Its just hard to make friends. Build connections at this late stage. As if that was ever anything I could do easily anyway. I have a number of really good friends who appreciate me for what I am. But we get busy with our own lives and I have so little in common with them anymore.
The one person I've been close to for a decade, that was the most like me. The one person I could debate and discuss and argue, who put up with my weirdness is dying of leukemia. Losing him is getting easier.
I also lost my mom a year ago. We didn't get along on many levels, and I was sort of stuck taking care of her and living with her. She thwarted any attempt I made to move on. And she really couldn't live alone. My brothers didn't want her. I made the choice to stay and also to bring her with me when I moved. But to say it was one sided is unfair. I became dependent and relied on her as a buffer. She did love me and did try. She was a narcissist, so that created a lot of problems. But also was insanely self aware. She tried to be different and she did accept me and let me ramble on about my ideas and thoughts even when she didn't understand. She'd even sometimes ask me to explain or clarify things.
Everything you see nowadays about narcissism is like anything. It doesn't present the clearest picture about the disorder. Its also become the hot buzz word for any one who exhibits toxic behavior. They're not always narcissists, they're often just manipulative abusive assholes. And it is possible to be the latter without actually having narcissistic personality disorder.
Humans are simple creatures most of the time that barely read the cliff notes version. It requires a lot of energy to explore and accept the layers of nuance and complexity of relationships, experiences, ideas. Its exhausting and it doesn't leave a lot of time for the interferences of every day life. We have to make quick judgments, choices and decisions based on the simplest of understandings of things. A lot of that comes from the internet where everyone is an authority.
So here I am now, without the convenient, comfortable co-dependent buffer of my mom and losing one of my best friends, 2700 miles from where I grew up and whats most familiar trying to figure out where I fit in.
I don't know how to date. Every boyfriend I ever had just sort of happened. I don't really know how to connect. I don't mean that I can't talk to people and engage. But its all surface and most people dismiss me except the craziest and that never goes well because I turn out NOT to be this borderline idiot.
I really don't understand why people are so comfortable just telling me so much. I should have been a priest, I'd be brilliant at confession.
I'm rather laid back but it all goes wrong the second that I show I have any backbone or decide I've had enough.
I'm sure its me.
I just don't know how to be like other people.
I belong to discord servers and have conversations. Most of them are so inane and I can't relate. And I find myself just going along -- which is probably where I fuck up -- and mirroring them because what else can I do?
I am quirky and weird -- yet instead of owning that. I'm a ridiculous caricature of someone so incredibly boring and simple.
I don't know how to fix it.
And I certainly am not the person that started this journal 20 years ago. Living with my mom for 20 years fucked me up.
And its my own fault.
I've only had a year of change -- and I do slowly feel my old self emerging -- the ghost of me, so maybe there's hope.
But right now, Im stressed and self isolating and alone. Not lonely. I like my solitude a lot. But I do miss having the social outlet too. With my mom and my best friend gone, I have no one to talk to, to just spew my nonsense to. To have my thoughts and ideas challenged, like my friend does so well.
How do I find my tribe?
I laugh when girls and women say I'm not like others. Because if they were truly that different, they'd find that being different isn't easy. It doesn't make you special. It just complicates everything. Its isolating.
We are social creatures no matter how much of a loner we are, how much solitude we enjoy. There are so many studies that support lack of connection and contact are detrimental.