|the quicksand of fate.....|
November 10, 2021
After a couple of months which were filled with a great tug of war between myself, and a mysterious connection I made through the Youtube channel, I have made some changes. This was forced on me, by my inability to remain my usual self. I became utterly fixated on this person, whom I never met, and who was so far out of reach as to be ludicrously ridiculous to imagine that anything would, or could ever possibly eventuate! But there lay the problem! Having been in a functional, but love-less union for a long duration, I thought I’d let sleeping dogs lie as the saying goes.
So I was not expecting this level of teenage-like lovesickness to engulf me the way it did. I wasn’t really even aware that it was that which caused my fixedness, and inability to be my usual sane self. Honestly, it was ridiculous. I went from my stable, usual routine self into some kind of mad person, who could not eat sleep or remain sane in any way! I exaggerate for effect here, but in truth, it is almost 80% real, what I have written about the effect of forming some kind of attachment to this person.
I have closed both my youtube accounts, and don’t intend to open them again. Oh but I am so miserable! I suppose if I’m honest with myself, I did not really expect the closure of these portals to bring me back from where I fell, a couple of months ago. Was it only a couple of months?! It felt more like a lifetime. Yes… it really did feel like forever. In achieving the closure of both my youtube accounts, I have effectively severed ties with that person. I am now no longer connected in any way. Yet far from feeling relief, I feel so wretched and grief stricken. I am trying to hide from it all, by throwing myself into ‘things that must be done’ here - and when not being ‘too busy’ for words, I am deliberately introverting into one of my Netflix K drama series.
I don’t know why but I keep picturing the person concerned; in my mind I can see his face, and I keep wondering if he’s doing well. Silly me. My guess is, for him the moment he decided to quit the Chat space he invited me to, in early October, he’s put me to the back of his mind, and I seriously doubt he’s given it another thought. Thus life delivers these unkind kicks from a place most unexpected, and while you try to retain your dignity, pride and routine interactions in life - you feel like you have been fast forwarded into another era - another place, none of which has anything to do with the current time, date, or location.
I am in a very sad frame of mind, but being careful to keep it disguised - I don’t want anyone worrying about me. . . . . . .