October 11, 2021
There is something that has a connecting link to it throughout my entire life. It's the one thing I may regret, and never be able to mend. Before I will be 'put to bed with a shovel' [quote, unquote, courtesy GH, author] I want to try, via the written word, to at least put in down in writing. Who knows. Perhaps it will help lift the curse, and bring some peace of mind.
Eh.... dear God in heaven: Why?! There is that moment when you wanted something. But as life would have it, you could not have the thing you most desired. Right there. That moment suspends itself above your usual thoughts, and kind of haunts you, if only for a little while. Or maybe, it hangs onto you like a leech!
I can look back from where I sit right now, and relive a lot of these kinds of moments. Time is the factor write large upon the sheets of destiny! That's the thing. The single most deciding factor in all this. It's that exact moment when you wanted something you could not have. Right there. It is the moment you go a little mad. It's insane, isn't it?
To want something you simply cannot, and will not, ever be able to have? That is the thing about this life I regret the most. Those moments make up my regret. It is not something that can ever be mended. There is no way to undo the damage either. It is the most edifying moment to realise it will never go away. That's regret.
On the opposite side of this are the moments you decided you wanted something, which you were able to attain. Those moments are filled with elation. It could be used to define happiness. The overcoming of obstacles towards attaining that special thing. However, will this somehow give balance to those opposite, on the scale of things?
I still have experiences wherein I do a double-take. I mean, I want something, decide not to want that thing, and then end up doing the opposite, which of course only leads to disappointment. The point of this is, time hangs up at that exact point. Everything after that moment in time sort of sits there. It can and does interrupt sleep, and other routine things in life. To me, it is the curse of the ages!
Will life ever be resolved on this issue? For me, probably not. By the time I am put to bed with a shovel....I seriously doubt I will have resolved past moments at the precise point in time, when I really, really REALLY wanted something, while in the very same instance, could not have it! That is what locks it up in time. That moment.
To me, it defines insanity. No wonder I have this particular point in life my one true regret.