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Amanda22Jane. by Miss Integrity
November 2021

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I Don't Know What To Do.
November 17, 2021

I'm trying.

Been a busy day.

Finally got round to working on a sewing task that needs to be finished (neighbour) and I can't wait for it to be done with. I won't be taking on any more. No way.

I don't know what to do next. TD has wound down.
Will make further enquiries as to what I can still do. It's been pretty bad. Certainly a positive difference living here now.
Still find it hard to go outside. I make myself do this. PTSD has been bad. Daily.
Taking things real easy during the busy parts of each day. I dread people knocking on the door and cars coming and going. Doors being locked/unlocked. Can't stand outside my front door for too long.

Don't know what is going on with family. I've cut them off and are not answering calls or replying to texts. Been a painful last two days.
I may be adopted but fucked if I am going to take any more of this shit. I'm living to get well. They cut my Netflix account and I pay for it. I hate mentioning this. Anything to do with money I hate mentioning. It was the least I could do. I stopped the weekly payments. Dickhead at the bank said it was a debit arrangement and I said how cannot be if I set it up as an auto? Oh no it's not a debit he said.
Then when he asked to see my banking app so he could show me how to do these things for myself, he once again said it was a debit arrangement and then smiled a screwed smile and said, no it's not. This is so insane. As if things weren't bad enough with what had happened with my family, he just had to punch me in the heart with his fucked up game. I had no control over how this process took place. He even looked at my phone while I was entering the pin number to open my app. Then he took the phone off me. I don't know why I put up with this shit.

I don't know what to do. I'm so tired of trying. I can't do nothing. I might as well die if I quit trying. Can life get any harder? It's been so fucken hard for so fucken long...

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