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Amanda22Jane. by Miss Integrity
 
November 2021
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Not Sure What To Write About...
November 7, 2021

...so I'll just write about my day to begin with. It's been a nice Sunday. Something special happened while doing spiritual studies. Really beautiful feeling touched me. I love spiritual feelings of this nature.

The charging cable for my tablet finally broke. Ear buds and charging cables are two things I work to death.

Went to the clothesline this morning to get my washing in and it wasn't there. My neighbour got it in before the thunderstorm yesterday. Thanked him profusely and I won't let this happen again. I'm not comfortable at all with my male neighbours touching my laundry. Had to use his line as the one I usually use was full. He's safe and meant well. He's safe. He did offer recently, the use of his line, as there's a clothesline missing.

(One of the three dickheads broke it with their vehicle ages ago when they were drunk and our tight-ass landlord won't replace it. The request has been made more than once and twice...fuck man. Pisses me off how we're treated. Really fucks me right off.)

One of the three sickos has moved out. The one closest to me hasn't stopped stalking me. It's a game to them including this intimidating asshole tenancy manager. He's at the stage where he's using others to confuse me. I've heard he's no longer the t.m. from some and that he still is from yet others. He told my sister he isn't and then she told me later that he still is. WHAT. THE. FUCK. PEOPLE. I'm not listening to anyone's version anymore. He text me and said that one male is moving out. Which he has. I never replied. So he thinks his job is done does he?? We'll see about that....

The old male sicko who lives closest to my block, is still at his stalking game. Just won't quit. He was drinking recently when I confronted him yet again about his behaviour and another guy who lives with his stepfather came to his rescue and it looked like he was recording everything said on his phone. The drunk asshole said he can do whatever he wants to me. Said he's not doing anything wrong. I hate writing about this but if I don't it keeps me sick.

I hate this about life. I have felt so unsafe for so long that it seems like I am not worthy of safety at all.

The good news is that I won't give up fighting for my rights. The way in which I carry on the fight has had to change, and it has changed. Considerably. Changed in a way that ensures my safety. I won't be pushed aside, closed down or discredited as being nothing more than an unstable mentally ill individual. I'm sick and tired of how hard it is to get results from a set of systems that are meant to be in place to help people. Accessing help has made me sicker. In short it has been one ordeal after the other. I'm living amongst the poor, (because I am poor), the sick (both genuine and sinister), the brokenhearted and mostly elderly. There are good people among us too. We're a vulnerable community and not all of us are capable of being assertive and getting our needs met. So who does that leave??

I don't know how I'm going to exit social housing living. I know that I can't live here successfully if some important things don't change.

Had muesli for breakfast with yoghurt and cow's milk. I need the calcium and wholegrain. A treat snack lunch which I bought home with me when out shopping for a new charging cable. The snack lunch was a large can of Fresh Up fruit juice fizz and a tall canister of Pringles plain chips. Was yummy. For dinner I had coleslaw (mine, never bought), cold roasted potato and kumara with the last 3 battered fish fillets. A good meal. Might have a banana for dessert.

Living alone is improving..it's important to me that I am happy and content to live alone. Been on my own for a long time. Nearly thirty years. Mostly. I've lived with other people too but not for long. My sister was the longest time spent living with others. It's has been hard living with people but it's been a very good yet difficult learning experience.
This is my 48th home.

Often I write here on MJ and feel scared. That someone is reading this journal and one day will use my information to harm me. It's happened so many times before.
My paranoia is not unfounded. The majority anyway. Believe it or not. I've had a hard life. Nobody and I mean NOBODY can work at making this life I've been given a lot better but me. Because change starts and ends with me. Support is there. Support is not in great shape atm, yet it is there. Finding what you're looking for is damn hard work and gruelling at that. Hopefully this next two years will be a far better story. I haven't had a drink today. I felt like drinking once. You know how parents start counting out loud over naughty behaviour from the children? I've started counting and visualizing every number whenever the thinking returns. It works. An effective distraction. Good.

22:09. I'm going to go for a walk now to get a pack of smokes. What an addiction nicotine is. What a help it has been too.

I not nervous nor anxious tonight.

I miss church and I miss meetings...
 
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