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2021 Journal by FireRabbit87
July 2021

First day and so many thoughts
July 27, 2021

Finally! I have started a virtual journal that can really exemplify how I feel. I've always tried writing in journals and have about 5 or 6 physical journals that I've written in and it never worked out. I am a child of the young internet, I experienced messenger and early versions of hook up sites; so I am used to typing more than writing. My mom has woken up to pop up blockers of porn sites.

I think I really need to start and maintain this journal, as my feelings aren't easy to express in the real world. I have internal and external conflicts that confuse my brain and make me wonder what to do...but I never seem to set time aside to really tend to these feelings and have them in a...well-thought-out manor, hence the ellipses.

Currently, I'm in a depressed mood. I was out over the weekend and experience something I haven't done in a while, I went home with someone. And while it was exciting and I really wanted to just didn't feel like it used to. It was like I wanted it mentally, but something stopped me from getting hard. And while I'm 34, I thought I'd have a few more years of the ability enlarge. In addition to this, I also found myself...captivated by the guy I met. He was extremely handsome and climaxed twice but I just...was interested in cuddling and stuff. And you would think, this means I want to settle down or commit to one person, I was just out of a relationship that tore my heart up. So now, I'm scared for a few things, all sexually related.

San, you are gorgeous person. You are successful in your own ways and are about to embark on a great future. Stay strong and don't use. You'll have this monster for years I'm afraid, but you'll have so much fortune without allowing it to control your life. I don't know if you liked me or were truly interested in me but I apologize for not being able to relax and enjoy myself with you and I assume you wanted. Then again, it could have just been me.

And to myself, relax and maybe meditate. Stop looking back like you did something wrong, you were with the guy for hours and he enjoyed himself, like Mmm said.

I'm sure I'll talk more about this tomorrow...
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