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Opera and Anchovies by SynnicalSomebody
October 2022

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October 15, 2022

I'm starting to plan how I'll be scattering some of Dad's ashes... don't rat me out to the authorities, OK? I'm sure NONE of what I've planned is legal but... well... I promise I'll not do anything gross like put him in someone's food or blow them in someone's face or even scatter on a super windy day Laughing

My friend recently lost her father (a week ago). I had gone over to her house when they were sending her father home on Hospice. I helped them move furniture around to prepare for the hospital equipment delivery and stuff. I was all about business and helping them get organized (just like she did with my dad) and... as I watched her making sure everything was in place so he'd be comfortable... the grief of losing my own father just flooded me and almost wiped me out.

She wanted to make sure he'd be able to change the channel on the TV. I didn't have the heart to suggest that he probably wouldn't be watching TV.

She wanted to make sure he had his light near him so he'd be able to read. He probably wouldn't be reading.

She wanted to angle his bed so he was able to see he hall light in case he needed to get up and go down the hall. He probably wouldn't be walking down the hall.

But I know how that kind of prep goes. She was prepping for the father that she sent to the hospital... not the one who was so weak and depleted from his cancer and chemo. Just like I prepped for the dad I sent to the hospital... the one who loved Jeopardy and the one who loved to read all day long. I knew that wasn't the dad that was coming home to her but I watched and helped as she prepped to give him the most comfortable rest-of-his-life as possible.

As we arranged and organized, we talked. She was scared. And seeing her fear... it absolutely broke me. And suddenly, mid furniture rearranging... I was so struck by the grief of losing my own father... and knowing she had to go through that nearly broke me.

This is NOT about you, Synn... hold it together. This timing could not be worse. It's fine to feel the grief about losing your dad... just not at this very moment.

And I fought the stinging tears welling up in the corners of my eyes. And I swallowed hard to fight the tightness in my chest. And I sucked in that livingroom air so deeply to give my body something else to do other than feel the immense sadness that covered me so thoroughly and unexpectedly. I didn't want to take away from her moment... and I hugged her. And she cried. And I cried. And we both pulled it together and I said all the right things "if there's ANYTHING you need..." and I could tell by the look in her eyes that she KNEW I meant what I said... and I'm pretty sure she knew even the things that I didn't say... and I got in my car and sobbed...

Greif just comes... like a sneeze. You can't force a sneeze. And it's REALLY fucking tough to stop a sneeze. But it comes... on its own terms and in its own time. And when it does... you deal with it... and you feel a little relief afterwards... and you clean up any mess you may have made... you blow your nose... and you move the fuck on.

Her dad died 3 days after he got home. He didn't watch TV. He didn't read. He didn't need that hall light.

I miss my father... TREMENDOUSLY. And now... I'll wipe my nose and move the fuck on... until that next sneeze Wink

Thanks for reading and I hope you're all well and happy and healthy and I hope any sneezes you may have are gentle and as unmessy as possible My beating heart

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