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|No More Tears|
October 17, 2020
I had a zoom call with my counselor today, she approves of what I'm doing and urges me to keep going. Someone had already marked this as a favorite journal of theirs, which blows my mind. If your reading this than I hope you find some inspiration in this, If I have given any kind of positivity, encouragement, or entertainment with this journal than I will have felt like writing this has been worth it. I have named this chapter after the only Ozzy Osbourne song I really enjoy.
Going back to April and my last entry in the journal. We had made the server public and got a few people, but none of them stayed because they weren't a fan of the crossover idea. Though in all of this we got our first person who stayed, and I have obtained permission to use her real name of Scarlet. She brought with her a ton of chaotic energy to the place and helped keep things interesting. Nathan had invited a friend of his nicknamed Yuno. I always had this feeling she never liked me. She played the character of Tsuyu Asui, a girl from My Hero Academia with all the powers of a frog. Her character had entered a romantic relationship with Dragon's original character: Sozo. I commented a few times that she played Tsuyu completely different to how she was in the series, to which I never pressed further to avoid starting a conflict. I am going to be mentioning what happened in the roleplay quite a bit as it is important in leading up to the absolute shit storm that started in August. One character to look out for as I mention this is Momo Yaoyorozu, she was one of the more interesting characters, but she didn't get much spotlight if at all in the series. Though Creaty, who was playing her would become a source of much contention as we continued.
We followed the plot of the series, interspersing drama and our own events and story arcs between things. We all played multiple characters, except Creaty, who only played as Momo. Since she only played as one character she had to keep thinking on how to insert her in all these situations. Nathan had a shitty self insert OC who was supposed to be the son of Spider-Man, and was our most focused on character from Marvel, it was a crossover after all. Though as we continued he started inserting his character into other situations without any real reason. To the point where it seemed like the roleplay was revolving around his character. His character was basically a Mary Sue. (Someone you're not allowed to dislike because they are somehow always right and have no real flaws) Nathan and I started conversing a lot at this time. I explained my love for heavy metal and rock music, of which he started professing that he enjoyed Dio. as I mentioned in my first and second entry, Dio was one of my idols, and I even met him. However before I told him the story of how I met Dio, he said it was because a character from an anime named JoJo's Bizarre Adventure was named after him. Weirdly, after he mentioned this to me, he shoehorned in what seemed like an endless stream of references throughout the rest of the Roleplay's life. This started a bit of ire with some fans of the server who weren't necessarily big fans of the JoJo's Bizarre Adventure anime series. Either way it was and the fact that he shamed my musical taste that led me to not sharing my love of music for a long time. Seeing as the Roleplay was all his idea, he was listed as the owner of the server on discord, which gave him supreme power over everything. This will come in to play later.
Following May and June, which were our RP's best months, we ended up getting another long term member, I will refer to him as Venom. Venom was just another neat edition to the cast. We enjoyed his company and vice versa. It wasn't until Nathan wanted to do a scene where he showed his character's backstory that things went south with Venom. Venom's original character was a man named Dante Thompson. Who was the son of Flash Thompson and he fought using a thing from Spider-Man comics called a Symbiote. (The thing Venom from Spider-Man is made out of. Hence the Nickname) He had said several times that his character wasn't a bully like Flash Thompson was, yet Nathan made him be one for the sake of his Character's ridiculous back story. Venom was not a big fan of it, but if his character wasn't forced to act like that during the present events of the roleplay he figured he could let it slide. After that we got a new addition, who I will refer to as Rayna, as that was the name of her original character. She got along great with everyone and was one of our best members. Though things started to go down hill and opinions of Nathan lessened soon after what I am about to tell of. We had set aside a character arc for Momo, to help satiate Creaty's need to give her some attention, but it like all other attempts at giving her attention where 1-uped by Nathan's character. The idea was that Momo was under some sort of corruption brought on by a villains power and it was slowly turning her evil, this was going to be very sad and difficult for her, but she would come out a stronger character. His character literally smashed her ribcage and arm to beat the corruption out of her, and then when his character got in trouble he played the victim. There was literally nobody who thought he was in the right. We all thought it was stupid that he believed his character was in the right. We still gave Momo some nice character moments, and it worked out decently. Though we all didn't like Nathan's meddling with the story arc. Then Nathen invited one of his friends, who I will refer to as Addy, and made him an administrator. This raised the brows of almost everyone ad started getting some people concerned. Though this wouldn't escalate just yet.
It was August and the pregnancy was not going along as smooth as it could have. I had planned to take maternity in a month, but that would be too late. I tried to sell the wedding ring, but I couldn't sell it at a jeweler. The diamonds were fake and it was of too poor of quality to sell.Thankfully when I had told my boss of my plan to take some leave, he understood and wanted me to help train a new employee to take my place on the night shift while I was gone. I spent the next few weeks training the new employee. I was moved to a day shift for my last week and I was enjoying it, but one day things went south. It turns out the new employee I was training had fucked up this lady's car, and she went ballistic on as I was the only one presently there. My boss was in the bathroom and Brandy was in another room. The lady wouldn't give me any time to explain I didn't know what she was talking about. It was at that moment I noticed some chest pains. I had tried to get my boss, but Brandy came to my aid. The lady had gotten upset to see Brandy asking about me and not her. As the situation escalated Brandy called 911. It was a long trip to the hospital. What had happened was the stress caused me to have a heart attack. It only got worse as my water broke not long after. I wasn't due for another few months. It was hell. I was supposed to have triplets, and everything from this time was just a blur. Doctors had a hard time delivering them with me unconscious from the heart attack. The heart attack was taken care of, it was too late. The doctors botched everything and the babies had died.
I felt depressed and wanted to kill myself, but I was in a hospital so I couldn't. Brandy gave me my phone and allowed me to inform people in the roleplay server of what had happened. I mentioned I was in the hospital and making a decent recovery. Addy was instigating arguments with people make valid criticism against him. Nathan sat back and watched, not wanting to anger the people by defending someone who was indeed in the wrong, but not wanting to go against his best friend. I noticed he wasn't doing anything, despite being online. I took it upon myself to put out the fire of this argument. though doing this gave me a migraine and what Brandy thought was another heart attack. It was nothing major, but Brandy chastised everyone and told everyone they were wrong for letting the argument continue and even hurting me like that. Dragon was the lead person arguing with Addy and he apologized, but Addy and Nathan didn't. This led to another argument starting over weather or not he should apologies to me, but doctors recommended I stay off my phone for the day to avoid stress. So I wasn't there to stop it. It escalated so bad that Addy made fun of Nick's disability and Nick's aunt (who was also an admin) banned him without hesitation upon finding out. She was touted as a hero by everyone, and Nathan figured why invite him back if it would only anger people.
Scarlet's favorite thing to do is make people laugh. She is also mentally ill, but we all still treated her with lots of respect. When Scarlet made a meme about Addy that we all thought was funny (except Nathan) she realized she could keep being funny if she continued making memes about this. During this time I visited scarcely and in one visit, Rayna gave me some words of encouragement that convinced me not to kill myself. I started opening up to her about my past after that. After a month of getting over the trauma of what happened that day I had returned to the roleplay server in full. Rayna stopped answering my messages, which I assumed was that she was tired of my venting and talking of my past. Tensions were strained and Nathan grew bitter as time went on. He especially hated Scarlet's memes. Rayna turns out was absent all together. She disappeared without any explanation and it made me very sad. I still wish I could have continued to be her friend. Suspiciously Yuno had been absent for the past few months, messaging only sparsely. During this time I opened up to Dragon and Nathan about my past, using them to vent my sadness in Rayna's absence. Nathan had given me owner role as he saw me as the roleplay's co owner. This was something everyone was happy with and he started to earn back people's trust. Though Scarlet's memes didn't stop.
Eventually to spite everyone making memes about Addy, he invited him back. He once again invoked everyone's rage with this, but Addy promised not to get into any more major arguments, which he did keep. We were at a cold peace for sometime, but Venom started making a copy of the roleplay server that he thought would be ideal, he worked on this with Nick for a few months as a plan B. Since the current server was in a state of cold war. We continued the roleplay at a snail's pace. Though it wasn't until Dragon gave some insight to some regarding Yuno's disappearance. He never told me anything, about it. Though Nathan told me his perspective. He was a few years out of high school, and met Yuno online. Yuno was someone he kept imagine as like a girlfriend despite her not thinking the same. Yuno was either in middle school or high school when they met, leading to some potential pedophilic undertones coming from Nathan's interactions with her. Especially since this only a year or two after they had met. I was disturbed by Nathan and he had grown tired of my venting. So he started talking shit about me and I stopped talking to him. Dragon was more than happy to keep talking to me and hear out my venting. All of us outside of Addy and Nathan were like a second family to him, and this became a sentiment we all started echoing. Nathan shared unfunny Jojo's Bizarre Adventure memes in the meme section of our server. One day I posted a random gundam meme, and someone to spite him gave it a bunch of laugh reactions. Soon everyone did it and Nathan took it way too personally. He left Addy in charge and said he needed some time away. Some time away seemed like a good idea, but leaving someone who was openly hated in charge was not a good idea. Addy tried to be civil with everyone, but nobody listened to him. Him and I sparked up conversation and became decent friends. This however would be a breaking point we had reached with Nathan.
Venom had messaged me about two days after Nathan threw his tantrum. He said he had planned ahead with Nick and wanted to start moving people to his backup. He mentioned all the respect he had for me after hearing some of my past and mentioned that as far as he was concerned, I was the one in charge in Nathan's absence, as I was technically still the co owner. He was the biggest hater of Addy, so I was skeptical. He told me he planned on making me the owner, as I had proven myself very mature and would be a logical replacement for Nathan considering my status in Nathan's server as co owner. I told him he could go ahead, but we wouldn't leave Nathan's server until I determined that we couldn't salvage things. Agreeing to my terms we moved everyone there and discussed everything there, with Venom giving me ownership of the place. People started seeing me as a hero or something of the sort.
Nathan came back and said he determined the problem was people walking all over him. He had already banned Dragon several times for reasoning with him over his problems. Dragon being my friend I had unbanned him every time and invited him back. Dragon upon hearing Nathan's statement was not happy. Explaining to him that was not even close to the problem. Nathan went about making mass threats towards people. Eventually Scarlet left Nathan's server, making some reference to the French Revolution when she did. Venom left and Skull left. Eventually I explained to him that this was his own doing, but he wouldn't listen. Alexis left, Creaty left. He was getting more pissed off by the moment and I couldn't bear to see it any longer. He made a big deal and said he would quit roleplaying for good as a result. We kept saying that if he was willing to change than we would be happy to invite him to our server. Though he was pissed when we specified we wouldn't even let him be an administrator. However Nick did convince him, and we rebooted the roleplay. Hoping to make a fresh start.
A fresh start was more like a rotten start. Still he instigated arguments and such and he left soon after, despite my best efforts to put out the fires of these arguments. During his short time in there he had made a new server behind everyone's backs. He had invited me and Nick, with his plan being to out do our server and leave. Then he would invite everyone to leave mine and join his. His server had Addy as an administrator and was inferior. I told him the plan wouldn't work because they wouldn't join a server with him as an administrator, let alone owner. Then I mentioned how everyone didn't like Addy and even had a group dedicated to sharing memes bashing him. He said they were too petty to give him a second chance as owner. After he left he focused efforts on his server. Both Nick and me had sparse activity, but we never did mucj of anything there. He attributed this to me not liking him and refusing to roleplay with him. Despite me time and again explaining several times that they made me the owner and head of their server, this meant I had to many obligations and responsibilities there to do what he wanted. He wanted me to leave and focus my efforts in roleplay on his server. my position and duties I had all prevented me from doing much of anything with him. We continued to talk scarcely, but he creeped me out more and more. just about everyone from the last roleplay server was in mine except Nathan (for reasons I explained), Addy (for obvious reasons), Rayna (Because she had been offline for months) and Yuno. Nathan in his talks with me mentioning Yuno didn't come over because I was in charge and she felt her relationship with me was too awkward considering my critiques of how she played Tsuyu, that and emotional turmoil she had been feeling around this time. Emotion turmoil I would soon find out Nathan unintentionally caused. Around March 2020 I had decided I wanted to try and have kids, getting semen from a sperm bank or a donor. He offered multiple times to be my donor. I had rejected each time, being both disgusted and not wanting his genes anywhere near what would hopefully be my kid. Eventually I threatened to cut ties with him once he started harassing Dragon with you tube videos. This continued for the next month, him dropping my real name so casually. thankfully it was an abbreviation and not my full first name, but it didn't make his using it feel any less wrong. At my urging to make peace with him and stop this, Dragon made what would be the first in many unlisted Youtube video responses to Nathan's threatening videos. Fortunately they had a call via discord that Dragon recorded. Dragon explained his threats made no sense when we were doing nothing to him and Nathan agreed to cease and would think about coming back. During this time I had gotten my insemination. I was nervous over the whole thing, soon thinking I'm going to have another miscarriage. Nathan made several comments such as "Her baby will turn out retarded" and such behind my back. I was back to my night shift at work. Soon things would change upon the discovery of my half brother.
One day I got a letter from one of those websites where you send in your DNA and it tells you who all is related to you. I got a letter showing how we were related and when it said we had my father in common, I couldn't believe it. All these years of thinking I had no family and yet here was proof I wasn't alone. We got into contact and I arranged to meet have him come to my house. With my house being on wheels, I had it parked on an acre of land I had bought in the area. So I told him how to get there and I had arranged extra vacation days for a brother sister week. He looked quite a bit like our father. He was a few months younger than me, being a bastard similar to how I was. I would find out later that my father really got around, but I'll get to that later. We had quite different interests, but he was the only family I had, even if he was just a half brother. (I would later discover a distant cousin in France, whom I will not talk about) We listened to Asia together and had a fun week, playing games, and doing other activities together. I even showed off my guitar playing. I eventually explained my insemination to him and my hopes for the future. I took him out to dinner, and I had a few drinks, venting about my frustrations and stresses. I kept drinking until I was totally three sheets to the wind. He expressed great concern over my drinking habits and convinced me to go to AA. It wasn't bad, but it would likely get there if he didn't help me. I did need it considering how it could've effected my pregnancy. Soon after he left I took a test that ended being positive. I was overjoyed by this and told him and some close friends of mine.
Nathan had returned and things were at a cold peace. With arguments breaking out occasionally. I stopped them when I could, but I was too busy with my night shift to even stop most of them. within only a month of him returning he professed a desire to bash in the heads of Dragon, Scarlet and Venom. Videos harassing us weren't being made thankfully, but things were getting stagnant in the roleplay server. I felt increasingly unfit to run the place, but continued anyways, quitting work in August and reconsidering my life. I had introduced Creaty to the rock band Queen, and we talked about them. She encouraged me to record a rendition of their song Breakthru. I had an electric drum kit, bass, and several guitars, in addition to two keyboards. I figured I could easily record a rendition of it. I recorded Breakthru and was overjoyed at the result. Soon doing solo renditions of multiple Queen songs. I started getting experimental and adding horns and other unconventional instruments. I decided to phone up Cosmo, Callisto, Umbriel and Stardust. We recorded my renditions of the Queen songs I had done and were really proud of the result. I wanted to make another band, but Stardust neglected to join. Wanting to focus on her job sewing costumes. She had sewed me many costumes before, so I understood. For years she made a living off of making high quality costumes people asked her for and collecting the money after she showed it off and they deemed it satisfactory. I wished her well and called up an old high school friend of mine I knew. He played trombone in high school marching band and I reconnected with him, asking him if we wanted to join my band as a horn player. Hiring him and a guitar player I knew from a local music shop we started a band called "Heart of Fire". I reached out to Alexis to help manage us, and we got to recording a collection of demo discs we would hand out at shows. We had Alexis mail them to as many major places as possible, desperate to have our band get noticed. The roleplay was slowing to a halt as many of the people lost interest in it considering this was technically our third reboot of it. Moral was low and everyone reconvened without me. They had decided to split. Making one server for My Hero Academia, and one server for Marvel. Figuring things would be more consistent if we had an original story and no crossover. Though this would be where the drama would escalate once more in a way we didn't expect.
Initially some people didn't like the split, I was one of these people. Though I came around on the idea and allowed it to continue. Eventually I even joined the roleplay server they had made for My Hero Academia. Dragon ran the MHA server and Venom ran the marvel server. Each would have an original story, with the MHA (abbreviation of "My Hero Academia") server's roleplay taking place 15 years after the original series. The only characters from the original series playing major roles in the story were Momo (now the principal of the school) and Deku, (Main character from the last series, now the number one super hero as of the events of our roleplay) With Dragon's OC: Sozo, being Momo's husband. The idea of Momo and Sozo being in a relationship was something Nathan hated. He had initially wanted his self insert character (Whom I have already talked at length about) ti get with her, but could never find anyone to play and when we got Creaty to play her, his character was already in a relationship with Mina. Sozo was a character he had hated. basically the opposite of his character. Both were original characters, but they were polar opposites. Sozo was well liked by all of our users, whereas all of our users had at least a couple gripes with Nathan's character. Sozo was a deeply flawed character who was often times wrong and had to be set straight by his peers and friends, but had a strong sense of justice. Nathan's character was always right and was hard to reason with because of his self righteousness, He never listened to anyone. Sozo was based on nothing, where as Nathan's character was based on a combination of Spider-Man and himself. Nathan resented Sozo as an embodiment of everything he hated about everyone else in the original roleplay. He had a deep resentment towards not just Dragon, but the very character of Sozo and the character's existence.
Around the time I had joined the MHA server Dragon made (named My Hero Academia: The New Graduates) We had discovered Albert made another Marvel and My Hero Academia crossover roleplay server. Creaty had a number of alternate discord accounts, (more than thirty) and hatched a plan with Dragon and Scarlet. Dragon would join under the guise of an interested person who wanted to roleplay there. Then Scarlet joined, posting some photo from a Van Halen music video captioned "I heard you missed us we're back". Then she posted the character bio for Sozo in multiple channels. Then she left before she could get banned. Dragon on his alt account got everyone to agree that the character was cool. Then Creaty joined in her first alt account. She joined pretending to be someone with ties to me, she was also pretending she wanted to roleplay there, having posted a bio for Momo. as expected, Nathan had his self insert character try to spark a relationship with her. That same night Creaty used her other alternate accounts to do exactly as Scarlet did. Doing it all day in waves. Using one account every wave and repeated the process Scarlet had set. She added an additional five minutes of wait time with each wave before doing it once more. This led to her attacks being at a frequency Nathan couldn't defend against, as well as using a VPN so she couldn't get IP banned. This lead to him finally deciding to delete the server. If all of this seemed like it was bullying, that's because it kind of was. He kept ordering people from his server to harass ours because one member suggested it. Though he had no idea of the split and basically ordered people to attack a dead server. Scarlet had said the reasoning behind the attacks on his server was because he was bashing us in there and spreading lies about us. I want to specify that I did NOT endorse any of these attacks, and merely played along with it. I did not attack him as with my pregnancy progressing I had no will to start a fight with him. Especially with me finally cutting ties with him after I sent him a very long post where I explained why everyone hated him and why I was cutting ties with him.