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March 30, 2020
Letter 1- 30.03.2020
The world is a weird place. I'm not sure if it's exceptionally more weird without you in it, or if it's just that things are that topsy turvy... I don't know. It's like your absence set off a chain reaction, and everything just decided to stop working properly. My mind has been absolute chaos since I watched you pass in that hospital bed, why not let the whole world around me match..?
Maybe this is your way of grounding us?
I've said time and again since this whole virus shit started, I've already experienced the worst thing I could ever imagine in the last year of my life, so, this is nothing. I stand by that statement, unwaveringly so.
I knew that you'd leave us one day, that you'd make the world a much less entertaining place when you were gone. It's entertaining in a different way, I'll say that. You'd enjoy, in frustration undoubtedly, the way people are responding to this. The way that the government is responding. I'd love to hear what you had to say.
You were always so passionate about what was happening on the grand scale in the world.
It's surreal, everything. Sometimes I wake up overwhelmed by all that's happening around us, over what happened nearly five months ago. Sometimes I wake up numb, sometimes I wake up and just don't want to wake up again. Sometimes I wake up and it's like my brain can't accept the trauma, and I'll go about my day, then it'll just smack me in the face and I just have to internally fall apart.
I'm trying my best, you know? I hope you know that. I hope that I can find little ways to honour you and make you proud. I will share the memory of you for the rest of my life. I hope you know that, too. And I hope you knew that I always respected you, admired you, and wanted the best for you.
Not a day goes by that I don't question why you had to go. Not a day goes by that I don't wish that I could take your place. You had so much to do, so much to live for and so many things to see. It isn't fair, to say the very least. I don't know how to cope with your absence and I know even less how to be myself without you.
The time I shared with you in that hospital room is a time I will never forget. I run through all of the minute details day in and day out. Was there something I could have done differently? Did I take care of you, help you as much as I could have? Did I fight for you and did you know it? Did you know in the end how much I love you? It's fucking inexpressible.
I am so, so sorry, Tony.