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Grieving Out Loud by Sam22
May 2020
22Love and Grief. Grief and Love.

May 2020
April 2020
January 2020

Love and Grief. Grief and Love.
May 22, 2020

I've read several books, opinions, articles on grief. And the common theme is that love and grief are always intertwined. It is something of a pair. The more you love, the more you grieve. And vice versa. Where am I now? I am loving, and I am grieving at the same time.

I have a lot of emotions that go through me during the day:

1. Fear
2. More fear
3. False sense of bravado
4. A burst of love
5. Lust
6. A tinge of happiness
7. Love
8. Hope
9. Pessimism
10. Optimism

A whole bunch of shit. Save for sleep, I go through these emotions everyday. Is it new? No, it isn't. I've been going through these emotions ever since we found out he had cancer. That was May 2018. Since that time, my world had stopped being "normal". When everybody else was moving forward, my world seem to have stopped. The colorful prism of a future broke into smithereens of glass. And for a time, I hated that everyone else can move forward - that nobody stopped for us, with us.

So you know, this COVID-19, as sucky as it is for most people, can take a back seat to everything else that had happened to me in the last 2 years. I had been grieving. I was isolated in my grief. I was in my own self-quarantine.

I found love, somewhat new, and also not new. I am going to revel in it. I am going to accept what he is offering, and I will wholeheartedly take it, no apologies, and let him love me. I am still grieving the loss of one future, but right now, I am, little by little, seeing spots of what may be a new one. And I am allowing myself this. I am. I want to be happy again.
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