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Total Exertion. by Amanda22Jane
 
October 2020
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What A Busy Month.
October 23, 2020

22:02.

Journalling And Weight Issues. (FIA!)

Reaching the end of my day and I still have a microstory to finish elsewhere.

Pain bearable all day. Nerve pain is so damn wierd that I almost like it. Mostly I'm scared of it.
It's a unique pain, which has a threshold that threatens extreme pain to come but never does. It's the most weirdest thing to live with.

I walk tomorrow Saturday. Once again I have only walked once this week. Monday afternoon was the last time I hiked that 5.5 circuit which takes me through the longest and quietest parks in the middle of town. A little spooky but I still do it. The circuit ends up at the high school rugby grounds.

Feeling so fat today. This is the heaviest I have ever been in my life. I'm twice the weight that I was when I got to week 43 pregnant. And I have landed at this place in recovery where I'm facing my own demons of obesity. If I can learn to finally love myself with my body exactly the way it is right now, I will have achieved something for the first time in my lifetime. That's huge and it's no mean feat. I need to love myself thin. I can't achieve this any other way. Love has a permanence that self~harshness, self~condemnation and self~criticism doesn't. And that's all I have known in my lifetime. This is not about grieving anymore or weeping over such a profound defect of character as The B.B. says. It's about sweat over fixing it. And acceptance. Through every step of progress and chaos I accept it all. I have no choice but to, if I want to grow. The alternative is more than I can sanely bear. I don't want that. It's either through the pain, or die in it and stay sick.

My baby sister sent via Messenger last night, a beautiful photo and two short video clips of baby M. Sparkles beautiful baby girl. 3.3 kgs. Sparkles is 6'1. 3.3 kgs. Oh my goodness that's a whopper child! (I cried.👶)

Been moving all day. Started at the S~Lounge. Climbed up on the piano stool to mount the clock to the wall above the counter. A huge effort. Clock looks great there. Did a little wall cleaning that I couldn't finish when I first started working this space. Old blu~tak is just too fussy to clean off wallpaper. I gently scraped most of it off with a knife and used a small amount of creme cleanser on a soft fibrous sponge to remove most of it. Too much rubbing and the colour of the wallpaper comes off too. Still a slight trace of pale blue patches but barely noticeable. Two to three times a week I visit the Lounge and throw the doors open and windows to air it. I think it's a beautiful space. I just love it. I enjoy lying on the sofa, with Dekkie princess cat sprawled on the rug napping while I am gaming. A slice of paradise in my day.

Playing Spite~&~Malice and Hearts. I love card games. The former mentioned is very similar to Canasta and I think it's also like Uno but I'm not sure...

I had planned to make a really good start on the shed shitshow but I didn't...the lawns got finished at my end, this morning, and I was stressed by having to grab 3 loads of laundry off the fucking line in under a minute. At the time this all happened I was cutting flowers from my gardens to refresh the floral arrangement on the front table by The S~Lounge entrance.

I hate not being aware of what's happening until I HEAR what's happening. The pain buildup started from there. It was really good that I got up early to hang the washing out. Basically it was dry so I aired it on my front handrails until it was bone dry.

Another preciously warm day of sunshine. I so appreciate the warmer weather.

When the Senior's Lounge was done and laundry brought in, I began the task of refining the groundsman's job around my gardens and the twin sheds. He goes so damn fast that the catcher doesn't catch jackshit. I get angry a little writing about it now and also for a few moments while I was working hard (outside cleaning up the mess), on pain, then I try my best to let it go because the end result from my extra labours is just beautiful.

About two hours left to do tomorrow if fine, but first my shed and the Saturday walk. Not doing The Marathon circuit. A short one through our local gardens by the stream. I'll walk really fast. Cardio.

Had a lovely shower which has helped quell my leg pain. Just my back/shoulders thank goodness. No amitriptyline tonight. It's causing insomnia now if I take it too regularly.

Wish I could afford regular massage sessions. This would help tremendously. I don't have what it takes to massage myself with all this, and I can't do my back.

I vacuumed a bit, refreshed the most used of the six cat beds, made sure I gave the cats enough love today and folded/stored the washing. Cooked a light dinner and have eaten well. Fussed with my bed a bit too. I like the bed just so. Other times it's a mess and I don't mind that either.

The warmer days are here again.

Calico is here and calling for his "midnight supper". I just love him, as I do all my five cats.
(I say they're mine, and so they are.đź’–)
Dekkie is still out socializing somewhere.
Sandy fast asleep beside me. Dekkie sleeps just above him. She has the highest bed out of all of us.
(Actually I have seven cat beds.)

Feel like I've written enough. A beautiful day nonetheless and I feel incredibly blessed.


 
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