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Total Exertion. by Amanda22Jane
 
October 2020
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Losing It And A Journal Entry.
October 2, 2020

I think I'm still on track with weight loss. I knew this wasn't going to be straightforward. I was bound to pile a few kilos back on again.
My diabetes nurses said to drink a lot of water so I have been listening to her advice. I've also been staying away from the kitchen. I'm in there more to feed cats, and do their dishes than I am for myself. It's hard. Night time is when I get the hungriest.

Fibromyalgia was good to me today, until I decided to use my legs to walk. I needed to go supermarket, library, then Subway's, in that order. On the way to the library, I was stuffed. I could barely walk. A lady approached me and kindly offered to give me a ride home. I thanked her and declined as I had things to do and said I'd be alright.

I can't believe this disease. The fatigue and pain just hits you out of the fucking blue. The best thing to do when the pain and fatigue hits, is to keep moving.

I've checked Shakespeare out for another 3 weeks, and I told the librarian that I'd return it. I think she looked relieved that the book would be back in the library at the end of the month.
The book has been with me for 3 months and cost me nearly $20.00 in overdue fines. Well worth it. I want to photocopy Double Jeopardy or A Lover's Complaint and copy out a few more sonnets, then re~read some of my favourite plays as well as Julius Caesar.

So. Tonight I had a treat night : Subway's sub~of~the~day and a Subway cookie: triple chocolate of course.
And then at 19:00, I went to see a movie. The movie was about the amazing Irish~American foot soldier, Audi Murphy and titled : To Hell And Back. I cried during this movie, and I loved the movie. I knew that I was going to cry, so I took tissues.
I just love early cinematography. I love the look and feel of the film they used back then. It was a treat to have this movie in town. It really was. Nothing can beat film. Celluloid film. That's why I love filmmaking and a million other things besides. I miss film. Digital has been taking over for ages. I'm not that fond of digital. A beautiful movie about a beautiful unusually brave teenage foot soldier who became a man during the Second World War. You are blessed of God Audi Murphy. And Irish at that.

On my adoptive mother's side, is Irish ancestry. Black Rock, County Cork. Her sister took several genealogical trips to that part of Ireland during her lifetime.

Just before I left, I decided to check my FB messages. One from my daughter. Once again I fucked up. I'm doing recovery my way and not as God would have me do it. Now I know why the 12 steps are in that order. It's best to follow the plan.
I hope that I haven't hurt her anymore than she is hurting. She hates me. I deserve every bit of her hatred. I want to tell her she's too beautiful for hate but it's not the right time. It's times like this that I would like to just hand her a loaded rifle and say: Just do it. I deserve it.
I'm not concerned with being misunderstood, about some of the things I write here. This is my journal and I'll write whatever the fucken honest~to~God truthful way that I want to. It's a great purge.

I'm going to eat some supper now. Fresh salmon sushi. It's just fresh, raw salmon that I cut into chunks and put some soy sauce on. I might have a celery stick too.

Now I'm in emotional pain.

This is frustrating. I need a sponsor...as I've been editing this entry, the tears and pain have subsided.

Another day of hunger nearly over. I can do this for just one more day.

 
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