|Knowing what it's all about|
April 11, 2019
Sometimes I forget, or don't consider, the things in my life that are important to me as a submissive.
Things have been pretty rough around here for me of late. Emotionally, spiritually... physically.
I have been beating myself up about things I cannot change. I have closed down and then opened up just to close down again... to Him, to myself.
I have needs and desires that I pushed to the side telling myself I couldn't, can't or shouldn't.
I have the need to be fucked, beaten, humiliated and/or simply used and pushed to the side. Above all that I have the need to serve and be pleasing... it is not a want or a desire, it is an absolute need. I cannot breathe if I don't have all of the above in my daily, weekly... entire life.
In the past three days I was pushed to the point where I let myself come back to these things.
For a submissive I can be damn forceful and stubborn in what I will not do... irony.
He finds me when I run away and shut myself off. I can't stand that I do these things, and I feel blessed that he knows what I need; this man who calls himself a shitty dom. He isn't a shitty dom, I am just difficult... and impatient with myself.
We have had daily sessions in the last week that have left me exhausted and so awake, aware and full of energy. He knows me better than I know myself at times. Even though I get frustrated and sometimes angry because I feel like he isn't paying attention, he brings me to the darkness and reminds me of just how much he sees, and just how aware he truly is of my needs.
I cannot love him when we are in this place together, but after, I understand just how much I love him and who he is to me.
I am slave to him and who he is to me... he is cruel and wonderful and I lay broken for him to rebuild. I hate that I can go to those places so easily and I love that he knows where I am and what I need. He is the only one who can pull all of me out of my soul and show me who I am.
In the light our relationship is much different, however in the dark of who I am he waits and watches and then moves in to rip out my need and thrust it at me to serve it back to him. When he is done he leaves me refreshed and renewed... I am aware again of who I am and the possibilities that are there for me to reach for.
There is that understanding between us of what is allowed in the light and what is needed in the darkness. I love that he knows, that he is able to free me so I can be a better me in the light.
Our life isn't perfect, or even close to perfect, but there is balance, harmony and love... in the darkness as well as in the light. With his help I am able to cope with the things that I fear and the things that I cannot control.