April 10, 2019
I am all over the place, and nowhere good.
I'm hurting, cold, and tired.
I'm looking at pictures, creeping on Facebook, listening to songs, maniacally laughing and crying both at the same time.
What the hell is wrong with me?
I'm beyond depressed, I've been depressed before, and this isn't it. I'm past that.
I'm not numb, either. Not at this moment anyway.
Jesus, take the wheel! lmao
My arms are physically tired, like I've been working out. I can barely lift them. No reason for them to feel that way.
I quit my job this morning. Probably going to wind up bad, but at this moment...necessary. And I have a feeling 'this' moment is going to last awhile.
My thoughts are all over the place - racing thoughts I guess - I can't think about one thing for longer than a few seconds no matter how hard I try.
I can't even finish a complete sentence. I try...the words just fade away.
I'm talking to myself...outloud...but that's nothing new. I mean full conversations, exploring thoughts, all of it.
I have no one else to talk to, I think that's why I'm doing it. I don't MEAN to be doing it, I just do.
Here we go again with the tears....laughing and screaming outloud soon to follow..stay tuned.
I called my doctor. My meds MUST not be right because these are extreme and rapid mood swings....got voicemail.
Made an appointment with a talk therapist...soonest he could see me is late next week.
Supposed to have met with my pastor this morning...he had to put me off until tomorrow.
Sister is at work and unavailable.
I've got no where to turn right now. Absolutely no where.
I have NO patience. I need help NOW. And I can't get it. It's just not there, I've tried.
Turn to God.
That's what I was encouraged to do yesterday.
And I'm trying dear GOD I'm trying....but it's all in HIS time I know, and yeah well...that's just not working for me right now.
But nothing is working, so what's the difference?
I just need so many things. I'm needy. Maybe that's it.
Maybe TOO needy.
Maybe I wasn't hugged enough as a child. LMAO
I just have so much pent up inside of me and no one to listen.
I had it...had that...with Larry for that '5 minutes' and it was (rightfully so) ripped away and now I'm just lost.
That's what it boils down to.
I need a human...someone directly in front of me who can give me a verbal response to what I am saying and who I can bounce my thoughts off of.
An earthly presence who can hear, listen and speak right then and there with me.
God ISN'T that.
Dammit, I'm not making a bit of sense.