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Morning Song by Darlinggirl
 
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Lovely October, usher in the season that awakens our souls...
October 13, 2021

your awesome beauty compels my spirit to soar like a leaf caught in an autumn caught in an autumn breeze and our hearts to sing like a heavenly choir. Peggy Toney Horton

I can plead some of my giddy high spirits are the result of almost three days and nights of high stress and little sleep, but this golden, glittering morning not only caused me to lift up my eyes to the snow-capped mountains! It captures my spirit just like that shower of brilliant scarlet and beaten gold leaves that danced about me as I walked down the gravel drive to the gates. I think a big part of my heart soared away with the gorgeous lipstick red maple leaf that sailed out over the seas as I watched. Just as I did this morning, I crossed the road to perch myself against the tall trees and peer off across the water to look up at freshly snowed mountain tops and mysterious cloud topped islands. Anything could be happening on those snow topped mountains, in the mist. The drop to the sea is perilous and steep, and when I slip behind the huge Arbutus trees so I can be hidden from view and look to my heart's delight, there is less than a foot to the edge.

The light here is sheer and opalescent, droplets of water quiver at leaves edges and even the table on the porch seems to wear a bracelet of diamonds.

Going back inside was hard, I waved at the elegant old gentleman in his Irish wool sweater and Scottish driving cap. I envy his gait and posture; ramrod straight, long legs striding down the road. Sometimes he sings softly as he strolls by, you can hear his approach on the wind. This morning, our neighbour's lowing cattle and frisky sheep and cocky rooster were singing symphonies to greet the day, somI didn't hear his approach. A long chain of cars had him step into the end of our drive, he likes to stand under that uncommonly huge lilac bush/tree. Some days, since the Pandemic, he walks whole huge areas of the island, not returning to walk back past our place until dusk.

So, we wave at each other and now I am back inside. Several times yesterday, my husband's fever rose so high we both got scared but by night fall, it dropped finally to under 100 degrees. After a huge mug of tea and honey with lemon and three gingersnaps, we wobbled together to the shower and a long warm showere perked him up enough to come to the table to have hot soup and crackers and more tea.

He was in that state of drowsiness and restlessness with fatigue, so he suggested a movie! As I cleaned up and changed sheets and did more laundry, his task was to chose just the perfect movie that would help cure what ails us! No pressure!

Well, he did a great job. He chose Free Guy. And it was very good, no it was perfect.

After the movie, just in time for last medications and now with antibiotics, he fell asleep, pretty fast, after I walked him to bed. With the high amount of Eloquis he is on, the dizziness and vertigo of heart failure and now fever greatly increase his falling risk. We have such a long history of bleed-outs back when he was much stronger, that now our fear of even a bump is huge.

So yes another night in the big chair by the windows and roaring fire. Lonesomeness lifted a bit, after those quiet good hours enjoying the movie and laughing a lot.

He is scarily white and pale this morning but took all his medications and a tiny first breakfast now with Yogurt to stave off the awfulness of antibiotics after effects. His temperature was 99.1 as he fell back into bed. My shoulders are getting pretty sore from his leaning on me as he walks but I did laugh when he jokingly sang snippets of old songs about leaning on me. I could not help it, but memories of alllll the times he cared for the post-surgery cancer wounds for me...no songs for that but still, he was steady and encouraging and meticulous on the wound care. Plus, he does not get all grossed out by blood or incisions or things like that. So, yes, he can lean on me. Just wish so much I was my old, stronger young self.

The lonesomeness is still strong, I would love sooooo much to have friends over or meet a friend in town as we did in Louisville, even just Chuy's and have queso and tacos and talk, talk, talk. Or have my nails done or a trim or visit at the place I loved for hair and skin. Or just walk down Mainstreet La Grange, go to the Post Office and watch the trains go down Mainstreet close enough to touch.

And what I would give to have our three grandchildren running around here. They absolutely adored being able to run around outside all they wanted, no adults even, if they went around back, so our grandson could not be tempted to wiggle under the gates. If I came outside, they followed me everywhere and helped. After supper, they filled the long front porch with their things and toys and projects and we stayed out there until bath time. Lots of cars and trucks honked and waved...they loved that! And the sound of the sea. Waves crashing on the shores...our grandson told me he could hear the water as he lay in his bed and listening to the sounds made him happy.

Haven't heard from BabyBoyII and them, as MamaMaryK would say since the last video from the marvelous stunning beaches of the place they were staying yesterday. Traveling soooooo far today.

I think maybe Himself will not need to checked late today at the doctors. We are astoundingly lucky to have family practitioners here but I know how hard the committee worked here to get doctors here. BBIL was on that committee and pitched the island to several doctors over the years and worked hard to keep them. They are reaching retirement age so the loss of Dr. British has hit hard.

The gentleman that owns the farm up the road, with the lovely old Heritage Queen Anne house told me he was born here, his parents were both born here and raised a large family here. For long years, no doctor here. Or they would have to come over on the much less effective ferry or on boats. Then just one doctor and no pharmacy.

Last night as I sat up to look after my husband, rain still falling, firelight and fatigue working its magic, I thought hard at I really need to stop being so terrified at how helpless I may be at keeping my husband alive and as well as possible. I just get so scared I could really mess up, with just myself doing most of the care.

 
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