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Morning Song by Darlinggirl
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I’m waking up to ash and dust...
September 15, 2020

Just came back inside after watching and listening to a murder of crows here. One of the largest is atop the tallest Douglas Fir on the other side of the road. We had just come back from a ride around the island with the air-conditioning on. I hate having to bite back worry and yes, an unhealthy amount of “I TOLD you all..COPD means at least one air-conditioned room”.

An aside, my mother’s father had COPD all my life. They had air-conditioning in their houses since the forties. Shoot, my family has had air-conditioning in their homes since as soon as they could install it or add room units until central air was installed.

All Southerners, even from the Upper South know full well that hot weather kills many more people than cold or blizzards. Plus, most humans simply do not function well in high humidity and temperatures much over seventy to seventy two.

Plus, my family has been well aware of climate change and pollution’s effects and over-buildings and way too many, sprawling, ill-planned suburbs. My great-great grandfather wrote papers and attended seminars on the long-term effects of the internal combustion engine back in 1906.

I digress. My frustration with my husband’s worsening health right now is enormous. Back home, he would at least be seen (house calls) and either admitted or given oxygen and observed. The sounds of this struggle to breath, the coughing, fear of tears my heart each and every breath.

He is a smidgen better after forty minutes of air-conditioned air. The air-purifiers are running but do nothing for heat and humidity. With windows closed...really? The dehumidifier is labouring and again, I was out-voted and the extra one I ordered AND the portable a/c I chose, were cancelled.

Unnecessary expense! What! If he dies or has a seizure, what is the expense of that? Besides, it was our sons’ money. Not ours, except the boys told me what they have is ours, too.

As I explained carefully, before we came up here, the a/c issues had to addressed. With the rising temperatures the world over, even in traditional cooler climates, there will be hot and polluted times.

Enter Corona-19 and it is a whole new mess. Seriously, if my husband dies, as his doctors tried to prepare us for, I want to be near our children or hospitals.

Or at least some of the family to also follow us up here.

Part Two. If he “just” acquires more damage, more scarring, it is crippling in a way I still don’t think my husband truly grasps or understands. The Children feel torn, because they see it but think their father should live his life as normally as he can. My daughters-in-laws now think that means most of the hardship to keep this “normal” life sits on my shoulders.

Toxic Positivity. I am by nature a fairly optimistic and cheerful person but I see very clearly what severe long-term, chronic, life-threatening illness does. What it takes away from people.

All the positive thinking and good attitudes means very little up against harsh, over-powering reality.

To get my husband to the hospital in September 2017 meant having two friends escort him the car and drive like hell to the hospital where out doctors were waiting for us. We were supposed to go straight to the hospital after he refused an ambulance from the cardiac surgeon’s office.

After he collapsed, my husband remembers nothing until mid-October. He still thinks his best friend is teasing when he tries to tell what happened that afternoon.

Those two men pretty much made all the difference in that emergency and why he survived.

Here? And now with Corona-19? And we don’t have to worry about paying enormous medical bills anymore and it is harder than ever to get anyone to understand?

We’ll see how the rest of this day goes. I can hardly breath myself and the air quality is worse than even the mess on the Border during an inversion.

Rain and north wind. Huge. Rain, lots of rain. Brought from the North.

Needed now.

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