| | secondary
March 19, 2022
Still plodding along with frustrating symptoms of tiredness, coughing and chest soreness. I cancelled my plans this weekend because I just didnt have the energy.
I am tired, but 2 hours after I fell asleep I am awake and thinking. With obviously something bothering me I thought Id come here and write it out and see if I can shake it loose. Maybe then it will stop bothering me.
The most insistent thought is that Im losing sight of what I want for me. I need more than this. More than being secondary. I know this is just temporary and it is hard to be patient and see what the future has in store for you, or me in this case. I have been working on being present. I know being sick and stuck inside the house for most part hasnt helped. I was off seeing things, exploring and experiencing. And I want to be doing that again.
Don't get me wrong, I have explored lots of things. I just need a balance. I want to be more than secondary. Sometimes it just feels as though I come second every time.
I need to get myself sorted, buy that little pop out camper and go see those places I want to see. Go away for weekends when I want to. Maybe. Maybe I just need to make my own choices and decisions rather than be influenced by others.
When are we truly free of others influences in life though? From parents, family, friends, work, children, partners. The world around us. They all influence us in some way.
I just need to keep making sure I keep myself front and centre. Make sure that I analyse the giving that I do, and ensure it doesnt give too much of myself. That I get what I want too. That I am primary. I know That comes from me. Not from others. I need to remember that. |
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