March 11, 2022
Today was full of lots of...stuff.
An interview, medication that created a 10 cup of coffee response, and a disappointment that I didn't get the position, followed by some reflection and I am ok with result. The application and interview was good. Just not the best. I just have some more learning to do. And that I am ok with.
In between all that was a shopping trip- my first after being locked up for a couple of weeks with Covid. If I followed the rules, I probably should have stayed in iso. But who likes following rules all the time anyway?
Seriously though- This cough could linger for a while. I am not sick anymore and feeling well. So I figure I am good to go. It's been two weeks.
Wolf has been great. Such a beautiful human that one. Was there and just giving me unending support and encouragement and belief in me. Offered input and another viewpoint and prompted me to think and encouragement to keep trying.
It has been a big day. I loved the shopping though. Finding a dress, matching shoes, clutch, underwear to do with it. There is something so sexy in putting it together.
What I am more confused at is my ex texted and rang me tonight. Out of the blue. And he shared some open feelings, thoughts and what he wants for us. I am like...what the hell.
I listened. But honestly...it has just made me confused. Angry even. Why now? I am ok now. I am where I want to be, I have hope for the future now I have began a new path. I have support, I am valued, loved even. All of a sudden he thinks now is a good time to tell me that he thinks I am the most amazing woman and that he wants me to know that the place I belong according to him, is right by his side. What I thanked him for was the open communication of his feelings as he was always so cold and closed off to me. He denies this. He did say he was reflecting over our relationship and accepted that we didnt love each other in the way the other needed. That was big of him. I dont think he has ever had such a deep conversation with me as what he shared tonight. And that realisation is sad. I crave that deep connection. And with that comes open communication and honesty. And sometimes being uncomfortable is part of that.
As touched as I am by this, I am emotional. I also cant help but feel he is full of sh*t and it is all talk. I feel bad for not believing in him or what he says. If he thought I was all those things then he would have been showing me. And none of that is there. All I could offer was friendship and I wasnt even sure we could do that. And I told him that too. There is a massive amount of self healing, trigger proofing and personal growth before I would even contemplate if I could do a relationship with him. It is and was not healthy. toxic a lot of the time. And I told him that too. And at this point right now...I dont think thats possible. I dont want it as I am happy on the path I am on. As hard as it is to hear his emotional outpouring.
For someone that likes to please others usually, this is difficult. But I am learning to stay present, and love myself first.
With wolf that deep connect, communication, feeling, love, support, mutual respect is evident in everything. Its easy. Its natural and not forced. I do not have to pretend to be anything or anyone. It's reciprocal. All the things the relationship with my ex was not. So why allow him to pull those emotional strings here? That annoys me.
It has bought confusion. He told me I was emotionless tonight and maybe I was. Because I felt I had moved on. And was happy about that. I had picked up the pieces and decided I was going to change my life.
I wanted to experience, to feel, to explore. I wanted to love myself and the world again. I wanted to connect, find my people, where I fit and create a safe and secure relationship and future for myself. It was clear.
And this makes it cloudy. And I dont like that.