| what not to do|
April 14, 2019
Been submerged in my routine of working all the time while trying to raise my son on the weekends. I've noticed that now I'm getting older, I love consistency as much as I once loved the chaos that surrounded me in my twenties and thirties. I'm a very organized clean person. My house greets me with a wonderful happy smile every time I come home. I burn a bunch of incense when I leave for work so it smells beautiful when I come back and walk through the door. Sundays are dedicated to getting all my chores done and going shopping for groceries. Besides feeling my bones getting closer to rubbing together, I do enjoy getting older.
Had a big fight with my dad a few weeks ago and have been looking for a place to rent ever since. We've made our peace, but I still want to get my own place. When I moved into his guest house I needed help getting back on my feet. I had lost everything I had, and didn't know what I wanted to do for a career anymore. After 15 years of being a bartender and a bar owner, I had no plan B when everything went into the shitter. After I moved in, it had become quite apparent that my father was getting old fast and needed help. His social security wasn't covering his bills and he was extremely out of shape. So I started paying him rent every month and tried to help him around the house and yard. I quickly had come to an understanding that I was going to have to help him on his last years and try and help him make his transition into retirement as smooth as possible. But since then he's refinanced his mortgage and also has gotten a job that has helped him get moving around and back into good shape. So I don't think they need me here anymore. It will be so nice to have a kitchen and bathroom again. I've been dreaming about it for awhile now.
But what's really gotten under my skin lately is that my rent that I pay every month totally covers his new mortgage. And he still tells his friends that I'm basically mooching off him. Yeah!! I talked to his brother (my uncle) the other day and he mentioned that I need to contribute more to helping my dad out. Are you fucking kidding me!! That's my dad trying to play the sympathy card so my uncle will send him some more money. My dad works all the wealthy family members for free shit. I'm so sick of him. The worst part is that he's got some serious anger issues that I've been dealing with since I was a kid. I think 46 is a little old to be getting scolded and screamed at. For the longest time he's been focusing on his Tia wife to take his anger out on. And for the longest time had convinced me that she sucked. But I realize now that he goes in cycles with his emotions and hasn't been taking it out on me, he's unfortunately been taking it out on her.
The final straw came a couple of weeks ago. Since I started my new job he's been watching my son for me on Friday nights so my son could hangout with me on Friday and also would be there when I got off work and we'd get all of Saturday too. But several weeks in a row he got into huge fights with his wife in front of my ten year old and totally freaked my son out. My son is such a sweet person and not used to violence in any form. So I gave up one of my visitation days to protect my son. He will never be left alone with my dad for a long period of time ever again. I'm going to get a babysitter when I get settled into my new place so I get my visitation days back.
Just dealing with all of this has made me better understand my childhood and the demons I had to exorcise throughout the years. I will never treat my son the way my father treated me while growing up. He will never think that anger is a way of getting what you want. He will never take his frustrations out on other people around him just because he's having a bad day. Parents teach us what to do...but also teach us what not to do.
Wish me luck!!
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