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Emotional Mess by carol15
January 2021

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January 10, 2021

I'm 25. I thought at this point in my life I would be married and around the corner were children. I didn't always want kids but I assumed that at this point in my life I would have my forever person. I heard somewhere that you meet the person you are going to marry at 20. and maybe that is true, there is still time to marry someone I met 5 or more years ago. Maybe it was someone I only met in passing.

I am hopeful, but I find it harder than ever to date or open up to people. I just want to be in my little corner of the world and not let anyone in. Maybe I am just scared. Or maybe I just want to be alone, forever. Maybe I don't want kids. Maybe I just want to find my fulfillment in pursuing my career.

Starting next week I will make more money than I could ever imagine. I mean I won't be rich or anything wild. but considering I am just taking care of myself, it will be more than enough to get by. I want to help my family out since they need help. I mean they are getting by, but they have worked their whole lives and not gotten to live it. Everything has been about making ends meet and their bodies, well they are getting older and I know they feel it.

Part of me wishes I could live with them and help them out from here. I mean I could, but I can't because of who I am. and I love not living with my parents. I love them and whatnot, but I am used to being on my own and doing what I want without my space or privacy being invaded. As far as always being asked where I am off to. Or whether I have a beer or not. If I decide to date a chic or a dude. A white guy or a black guy. I have different beliefs than they do. and it bothers me. While I live under their roof I respect their rules. (no boys). but I only want the restrictions I create...

Why do I feel such a need to explain myself? To justify getting my own place. I feel guilty because with the money I am using to live in my own place I could pay for their mortgage. I can't afford to pay for both... and I hate that. I want them to breathe and I feel selfish. I should just be able to live here with them...

Maybe in a few years I will be able to take over their mortgage too. Once I pay more into my student loans and settle into my own place. and hopefully, get a raise. As long as I have no babies and stay alone... That's being dramatic lol

I am thankful for the job I have. I have worked so hard to get here and am very fortunate. I know I will continue to work hard at the job and they are going pull every penny they are paying me, but I know I love the job and honestly can't wait to get started.
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