Today is November 24, 2020
Join Now! | Home | Sign in | FAQ | Help
Emotional Mess by carol15
 
November 2020
1234567
891011121314
15161718192021
22232425262728
2930     


November 2020
October 2020
September 2020
August 2020
July 2020
June 2020
May 2020
April 2020
February 2020
January 2020
December 2019
November 2019
October 2019
September 2019
August 2019
May 2019
December 2017
November 2017
October 2017
September 2017
August 2017
July 2017
June 2017
April 2017
January 2017
November 2016
October 2016
September 2016
August 2016

I am here.
November 9, 2020

The past week or so has been go! go! go!

I finally took my exam and I feel like I failed. That exam was so rough, how badly I failed won't come out for a few weeks. It's weird that all I heard was that ppl tend to fail because they don't study but that it is relatively easy to pass IF YOU STUDY. Once I took the exam I started hearing that everyone feels like they failed and some of those ppl actually pass. That exam drained me and if I failed, I don't know if I can do it again. I don't know if I want to do it again. If I passed I have 3 more exams to take and will have 18 months to pass it, in order to obtain my license. I know that whether I failed or not, I will not start studying again until after spring busy season. and I plan to take 2 of the 3 exams. If however I only failed by a few points I might push myself to study for 2 weeks just to retake the exam.

My trip to Iowa was exactly what I needed, to walk away from everything and breathe. We ate so much food, went to the zoo and spent a lot of time on the road. It was amazing to not be as stressed. I have been exhausted today. I just got back from Iowa yesterday.

Yesterday, after I got back, I had my first date with the stranger I made out with at the club 3+ weeks ago. It was an amazing time. He took me out to dinner and we went bowling. I am having issues tho, with the sex part. I mean I am very attracted to him and he very much does it for me. But this past year my trust and abandonment issues have become more prominent. I believe that I am lovable I just don't know if I should believe when someone tells me that they do. I mean he hasn't said that he loves me and I know I don't love him, it's too soon for that. but I guess replace love with like?

I've been lied to and told all the right things for a reason that I can't determine. How can I trust that someone doesn't have an ulterior motive? I believe that if someone wants to sleep with you, they could stay in your life for a year, just to change their mind and leave. Meaning that I believe that it doesn't matter if I wait to have sex on the 3rd date or go ahead and have sex on the first date. I'm not afraid that if I have sex with him he'll leave, I'm afraid that if I believe the things he says and shows me and with that trust I open my legs just to discover that he was just in it for the chase. Not for me. That once again I believed that lies I was fed, b/c it's what I wanted to hear.

It's been 1 date. We kissed and touched and it was fun. but I'm scared and idk when I'll be able to open up again. I know that my body will speak over my heart and lead me to his bed. I just hope that My heart is not left broken over the desires my body has.
 
Login to select
your favorite journals

PrevTop
 
 

Visit my Forum

© Website Copyright 2020 by My-Journal.com
© Journal Content Copyright 2020 by the Author
 
Terms of Service Agreement
 
Privacy Policy