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Emotional Mess by carol15
November 2020

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I am here.
November 9, 2020

The past week or so has been go! go! go!

I finally took my exam and I feel like I failed. That exam was so rough, how badly I failed won't come out for a few weeks. It's weird that all I heard was that ppl tend to fail because they don't study but that it is relatively easy to pass IF YOU STUDY. Once I took the exam I started hearing that everyone feels like they failed and some of those ppl actually pass. That exam drained me and if I failed, I don't know if I can do it again. I don't know if I want to do it again. If I passed I have 3 more exams to take and will have 18 months to pass it, in order to obtain my license. I know that whether I failed or not, I will not start studying again until after spring busy season. and I plan to take 2 of the 3 exams. If however I only failed by a few points I might push myself to study for 2 weeks just to retake the exam.

My trip to Iowa was exactly what I needed, to walk away from everything and breathe. We ate so much food, went to the zoo and spent a lot of time on the road. It was amazing to not be as stressed. I have been exhausted today. I just got back from Iowa yesterday.

Yesterday, after I got back, I had my first date with the stranger I made out with at the club 3+ weeks ago. It was an amazing time. He took me out to dinner and we went bowling. I am having issues tho, with the sex part. I mean I am very attracted to him and he very much does it for me. But this past year my trust and abandonment issues have become more prominent. I believe that I am lovable I just don't know if I should believe when someone tells me that they do. I mean he hasn't said that he loves me and I know I don't love him, it's too soon for that. but I guess replace love with like?

I've been lied to and told all the right things for a reason that I can't determine. How can I trust that someone doesn't have an ulterior motive? I believe that if someone wants to sleep with you, they could stay in your life for a year, just to change their mind and leave. Meaning that I believe that it doesn't matter if I wait to have sex on the 3rd date or go ahead and have sex on the first date. I'm not afraid that if I have sex with him he'll leave, I'm afraid that if I believe the things he says and shows me and with that trust I open my legs just to discover that he was just in it for the chase. Not for me. That once again I believed that lies I was fed, b/c it's what I wanted to hear.

It's been 1 date. We kissed and touched and it was fun. but I'm scared and idk when I'll be able to open up again. I know that my body will speak over my heart and lead me to his bed. I just hope that My heart is not left broken over the desires my body has.
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