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Emotional Mess by carol15
 
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I will be okay... one day
October 5, 2020

Who am I? I am the girl that stops thinking when she gets horny. I react with what my body wants and forget about what my soul needs. What my heart desires. I want sex, my body craves it. but emotionally I know that I can't afford to let myself go again. I know that if I do, I'll lose a lot of strength to keep moving. It's not getting hurt that will kill me, it's trusting someone again just to be stabbed with a knife that he carried but that I never saw. It's feeling like a fool when I believed it could become the flame my heart pleads for. It's falling where I should never have been walking to begin with.

I am so scared and that fear keeps me hostage. I know this isn't the way to live. but until I pull myself up and can stand on my own again, I can't satisfy the needs my body is shouting for me to satisfy. I can't fill my heart with the desires that it craves. A couch, a tv, a warm person to hold me at night.

I am alone. I have been alone. I am tired of trusting. of giving people the benefit of the doubt. Everyone will hurt me because I don't hear the voice in my head that warns me. I don't listen to the truth as I hear it. I don't believe what my heart doesn't feel.

It's cold where I lay. There is no Prince charming that can fix me. That can help me up and let me lean on his body for support. Because when he gets tired of holding me up, I will just fall. I need to get up. I don't need a prince charming. I need myself, I need my family and I need my friends. I will get up, but first I must realize that truly I was never alone.
 
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