October 1, 2020
Today I told one of my closest friends that I have been having suicidal thoughts.
Part of the reason that me and her don't talk that much is because I live 4 hours away at school and I don't go home that often. We both also stay busy.
I called her and we facetimed as she was driving to her parents home. and I told her that I was doing better. She wanted more details on what I meant and I explained that I have been sad. She asked me if I was depressed. I admitted that it was worse than that. She was surprised by that statement and asked me if I knew what worse than depressed was. Just to make sure we were on the same page I asked her to clarify. She said are you having suicidal thoughts and I admitted that yes I was. We started talking about the things that are triggering me and why I started having those thoughts. I told her about situations that I've been in that have made me feel less than.
This is the first time that I have admitted out loud to someone else that I have not been okay. and I cried. It was hard not to. This isn't easy stuff to talk about. But I know that if I want to get better, I need to talk about what I am going through.
This was a big step for me and I am really proud of that.
Anyway, I gotta get back to working on this test? project thing that is do tomorrow.
I am getting better. a little at a time but I will get where I want to be.