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Emotional Mess by carol15
July 2020

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What to write?
July 4, 2020

I'm a horrible speller and my diction is lacking. I've always had an attraction to men who had a way with their words. Like they use words in which I don't know what it means but I would guess based on context. Sometimes I did ask to be sure and I would feel embarrassed because I would end up being right but I was second-guessing myself.

Even with my lack of vocabulary and spelling skills I always saw myself being a writer. I would write poetry a lot when I was younger. I read back on some of it and realize it was pretty good. Other people would tell me it was good, but I mean for all I knew they were just being nice...

I haven't written a poem in a while. I would actually try to start writing something fiction but never made it past the second page. I would just write without any idea what I was writing about. Maybe that's where I failed. Should have come up with a plot first. Regardless, I just use writing as an outlet now. To express myself and how I feel or to try to make sense of what I feel.

I kind of do miss writing poetry. They were very short poems mostly about love. I guess those tend to be my journal entries as well. short and about love. ha. but also pain.

Speaking about pain, 2 days ago I cut my finger with scissors and then yesterday a ballet fell on my toe. Thankfully I didn't break anything and the finger wasn't to deep or big. Both could have ended horribly. I also almost feel the day I cute my finger. Cutting my finger made me paranoid that I could do something so stupid I figured falling would be my next move. I was walking slower because it had rained and I was wearing flip flops, but somehow I still slipped. I got so in my head that something was going to happen that it almost did.

I've been feeling gross lately. Since I started working again (yay), I also started eating out more and doing less activities. In short, I feel gross. Before I had been putting more time into me and my body and now, well I was adjusting to having a job that required more physical output. Now that I'm adjusted I need to start putting more time into myself. but I find myself getting home from work and sitting on the couch watching TV. I'm tired but not tired enough to nap. I'm off today, I could go for a walk. but I'm just sitting on the couch AGAIN procrastinating on hw. I need to go for a walk. That will be my goal today.

Anyway, I should work on these assignments, clean, and mentally prepare myself for a walk
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