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Emotional Mess by carol15
December 2019

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This year
December 19, 2019

Idk if to talk about this semester or this year. Both were rough. I think part of it is interconnected, though.

I started the year by choosing to press charges against a man that sexually assaulted me. That was one of the hardest things I had to do. It made me realize just how serious what I went through was. He didn't rape me, but he could have. And that is scary.

It was a hard chose to make and a hard thing to do. It was so hard. I started to become depressed, but I knew that that semester was going to be the hardest of my undergrad. So I pushed through it. I had help from a therapist, and I found someone. It didn't last long with him, but I think he was what I needed at the time to help me cope with everything. ( I just realized his last name is cope, lmao) He helped, and the people that listened and supported me helped too.

I made it through my hardest semesters and decided to take 11 credit hours over the summer so I could finish my BBA in Accounting. I didn't make the choice to graduate until a month before the spring semester ended. I also didn't choose to start my masters until the last minute. Mostly because I couldn't find a full-time job, but I knew I wanted to pursue my CPA, the order didn't matter.

Summer was BS classes though and it was easy. When it got hard was when my birthday came along. My birthday marked one year since the assault, and I was scared. I was sad all the time. Every time I looked at the time, it seemed to be the month/day my birthday is. That day haunted me weeks before it came around ( and months after for that matter). I dreaded it because I knew ppl were going to message me, and my parents were going to call, and I knew I would have to put on a face when all I wanted to do was hide.

When the day finally came, I decided I was going to have dinner with a friend. I wasn't going to let something someone did to me affect my day. I had a good time, and when I got home, I ran into a guy that I knew from class but hasn't seen him in a while. We chatted for a few hours. It was fun, and it led to me talking to my best friend about what I was going through.

I was still sad after that day, and I was always scared. It took months and me choosing to go back to therapy before that fear shrunk.

Before my birthday, I messaged the guy I was in love with that I was scared, but he was nowhere to be found. I wanted him to be there for me, but he wasn't, and that broke me. It broke my heart that he decided to disappear again... nowhere to be found.

When I had sex after I realized he was gone, all I could think about was him; I imagined it being him. I knew this was unhealthy and decided to keep my legs closed for a while.

I didn't realize how much my confidence had left with him. I was broken for most of the second part of this year. It affected my school performance " what am I doing here. I don't belong in the master's program. I'm incompetent," I kept telling myself. Without realizing that I was doing it, much less that I believed it until I went back to therapy.

It took me almost all semester before I felt I could handle rejection again. I started having sex again, 4 months after I stopped ( well except for the first female I fucked haha)

My grades weren't what they needed to be, and even though I knew I was doing well at work, I would focus on my failures and talk down my successes. I think this mentality affected my school performance.

But through the struggle, I found the most amazing people. That without question or judgment helped me the best they could with any questions I had about classes. It wasn't till the end of the semester that I felt useful and like I could actually pass my classes. I made my first C in the program, unfortunately ( I'm allowed 2 C's in my accounting class in the program). But I had been looking at getting 2 the whole semester before I finally got my head out my ass and did what I needed to do to, at minimum change one of my grades around. I studied my ASS off and made a 92 on the final.

This year has had a lot of ups and a lot of downs. Big highs and Big lows. It's definitely one for the books.

Lowlights: Sexual assault charges pressed. heartbreak, broke a heart, rejection, depression, anxiety, ADHD symptoms, first wreck (fender bender thankfully nothing wild)

Highlights: BBA - accounting, started the masters, Started my career, Internship offer, realized how much people are willing to offer up a hand.

I think this is the first year that I feel I really learned something:

A big part is about mindset. You have to have the right mindset if you want to accomplish something or do something, you have to believe that you CAN. Because if you keep telling yourself you can't, you probably won't.

Other factors do contribute, like opportunity and resources, but even if everything is against you, believe that you can, or at minimum, don't tell yourself you can't, and you just might accomplish more than you thought possible.

Crazy huh?
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