|I don't miss you|
November 9, 2019
When I feel lonely I tell myself that I miss you.
The truth, I miss feeling something for someone, I'm chasing that feeling. I want my heart to race, I want the good anxiety that comes with liking someone. I want to think about that person and smile at the memories that I shared with that person.
That's why I like crushes. It won't go anywhere, but it's fun and it gives me something to think about. Even though at some point the bubble will get burst.
I just want to be alone, but I am not content with it. Does that mean I don't love myself?
I want someone but I also want no one. I want to text you because I will always feel something for you. No matter who goes in and out of my life there has always been you. but you make me feel worse than anyone ever has.
I don't want you in my life anymore.
I don't miss you, even though I keep telling myself that. I miss the deep, intense feelings I had for you.
They're still there but it's more negative feelings than positive ones.
I want to love myself. I want to let you go. I've taken steps. I don't feel the need to text you now.
It's only been a week since I messaged you that I was done. and I still am done. I don't see myself going back to you.
That's a wild realization. and hopefully one that is true. I am done. I don't miss you. I miss feelings. I miss kissing, I miss sex. but I don't miss you.
That makes me sad. Ha I never seem to be content. I guess it makes me sad because I feel like I lost something. What did I lose in you? Was it what we had? is it with every mistreatment you gave me, did you take a piece of me?
I knew it was over for a long time but I didn't want to accept it. I couldn't accept it. I think I hated myself for that. for being dumb and not being able to let go of someone who clearly didn't care about me.
Maybe I hate myself for hanging on so long. I know you are going to try to come back. or maybe I hope you will, because I will want to read into that and believe that you did care...
I'm beating myself up again. I am noticing it and I will correct it... It takes time... it is something I want to change and something I will work on.
There is nothing wrong with the way I felt. I had hope that it would work. and I loved you. and that's okay, even though it wasn't mutual. The way I felt and the fact that I held on wasn't the best choice but it also doesn't mean I am pathetic, it just means that... My head was in the clouds and I wasn't realistic.
I will make better choices and if I don't that's okay. We make mistakes, as long as we learn from them.
Someone once told me that if we don't learn the lesson the first time around the universe will put us through it until we learn that lesson. I felt like that was deep.