November 8, 2019
My therapist has brought up cognitive dissonance and different types. I realized that one that I do the most is labeling. Which is putting negative labels on yourself or others. He wanted me to jot down a time I noticed that I do it and the situation around it, to try and dig deeper and get to the root of the issue.
Today my boss had me looking at a project file and wanted me to check the budget and make sure it was in the system/ print it out/ update it. So I checked the system and sure enough, the budget was there so I printed it out. and gave it to her. She dug slightly deeper and saw a note she wrote, and saw that there was a statement where the amount didn't match the budget.
I started kicking myself for not looking further, for not attempting to find the deficiencies in what was stated in the agreement documents vs the budget. And I told myself that I am dumb and that I need to do better and wondered if it was because I was lazy.
I dug deeper and my mind went to what if I am in the wrong field. Maybe I'm not as detailed oriented as I should be to be an accountant. What if I am going down the wrong road... Have I made a mistake...
Am I good enough?
It's a downward spiral.
When discovering which cognitive dissonance I used most I kept a tally mark for a day. It made me realize all the negative things I said about myself. When I saw my therapist yesterday he mentioned that those things I say to myself probably hurt my self-esteem. I hadn't made that connection...
It's definitely something I need to work on.