November 2, 2019
I'm tired. I'm so tired all the time. I'm tired of socializing or trying to develop a social circle but I can't seem to say no.
" want to hang out".. sure why not... knowing damn well that I am drained and don't have the energy. I want to stay home by myself.. but I can't seem to keep to myself.
I used to be able to stay by myself for the weekend and not go out, well maybe to the movies or by myself or something.
I can't seem to do that anymore. For the past 5 weekends... I've socialized at least 1 night. Including this weekend. I am soooo drained and yet I couldn't say no... knowing all I wanted to do is stay home by myself and reboot.
I like the people I spend my time with and I have what feels like artificial fun. I'm laughing and I am enjoying it but it doesn't feel real. Like I'm not smiling on the inside like I should be. I feel empty.
Is this depression? All I want to do is lay in my bed and watch tv/ sleep, but I don't let myself because there is so much on the line as far as school and my future career.
Something I am struggling with is showing myself love. Appreciating where and when I succeed. Instead, I shrug off my wins and focus on my loses. If I do something worth anything I should be proud of, I think " anyone else would have been able to do the same, probably more effective and efficient as well. I keep comparing myself to others.
I went to the gym today, but I eat like crap and I should do better I should be better. "I hate myself" is something I keep hearing in my head. "what's wrong with me" "why am I like this" "why can't I be normal".
I ask myself if I have always thought this way. Has this voice shooting me down gotten stronger, have I gotten weaker?
I need to be held, at the same time that's the last thing I want. I need to make up my mind and breathe. I feel like I can't breathe a lot of the time.
Let me just crawl into my bed and stay here. Why am I not giving myself more praise for going to the gym? Now I'm focusing again on what I don't do.. geez this is just a loop.
Imma take a nap, sometimes I feel better after I sleep.