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Emotional Mess by carol15
October 2019

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Am I okay?
October 26, 2019

Recently I've been seeing a therapist. I've been sad and I've been talking myself down. Nothing I do is right from my perspective even when other people validate me. I wonder if I'm depressed, would that help me validate my feelings?

Last night I went to a party and of course there was someone who over did it and had a mental breakdown. I didn't know this man, but I helped take care of him, it felt good to help, but it made me really sad to see someone so sad. To see someone hurting so bad and there was nothing I could do to help. and then of course, I made it about me. It made me feel worse for the feelings I have. Like I shouldn't be sad, I have nothing in my life that is pressing to feel sad about. Yes, I'm struggling with school, but again that is ALL me.

Seeing this man cry broke my heart. It made me think about all the things people are going through and we don't realize it. His friend was telling me that she is depressed, and that she cries a lot. There is so much pain in this world it's scary.

Do we live for pain or do we live for those moments in which we are on such a natural high that you can feel everyone's love for you surround you and that nothing matters because everything will be okay? Are those moments of pure bliss worth the pain we face in this world.

I believe as humans our instinct is to survive, like animals in general, so we do whatever we can to make that happen. If that wasn't our instinct, and we had accepted death as the inevitable and as something that isn't scary, would we still be here?

I want to say that YES of course those moments of bliss are worth living for. I know my death would hurt a lot of people, even if I didn't believe it would.. I KNOW it would. I think that's very important. That's the last thing I want to do, is hurt my family and put them through more than they have already been through by choice. My point is that I am not suicidal.. Just sad..

I hope I stop being sad, I hope that one day I can see all the good that I am and accept it for what it is, validate myself without the need for others to do it for me.

I love... I have so much love to give and I need to give some of that love to myself...

Anyway, I have to get ready for my day.
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