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Emotional Mess by carol15
 
August 2019
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Time to let go
August 11, 2019

Someone I knew passed away a few days ago. I had only met her once but had the impression she was awesome. Even though I was intoxicated through the encounter. She was a friend of a friend... I know a lot of people are hurting because of this loss.. Unfortunatly, I did not know her well enough to be as in pain as some. But I still feel the sting of loosing someone you know. The realization that life is short and that we have to do what we can with the time we have...

I have held on to the same man for the past few years because of this idea that life is short, forgiving him for his shortcomings with the idea that if He died would I live with regret of what could have been? What if I died, would he regret his choices. I held on to him because I thought "what if he is the one", well when my romantic self believed "the one" existed...
The idea of loosing him without choice scared me so I held on..

It was an excuse to not let go, but now my mind set has changed, What if I die tomorrow never living my life to the fullest because I held on to someone that I should have let go years ago. What if I hang on to this man who can't give me what I want and miss the opportunity to be with someone that can be everything I want and more. I can't let one man, one million fears change the course that I am suppose to take..

I've lost you.. I need to let go of the what if's, I need to stop explaining myself to you. The facts are that if it was going to work between us it would have already.

I'm obsessed with you... I see you in the DJ at the club, I think of you when someone else is fucking me and it makes me climax. Every song I hear and somehow it's "Our Story" even if it's just one verse that relates to our life. I think about you when I go to bed and when I wake up in the morning. I stare at my phone and hope that you message me. and the few times that you do it makes me happy. We talked.. we both agreed that I'm needy and you are incapable of giving me even a fraction of the attention I need. and even if you were.. emotionally you're closed and I can't talk to you when I need someone to talk to.

"what if I wasn't as needy"" what if I could keep my cool and accept you won't respond" " what if we went to it just being sex so the rest wouldn't matter"

"what if you tried harder" "what if you had more free time"


there are a million more "what if" situations... but non of those are the reality.

It's time.. It's been time.. I should have let you go right after I met you those years ago. but I didn't.. and you left me.. and I pray that you stay gone. Not because I don't want you in my life, but because if you come back I will drop everything for you.

I hate that you have that much power over me.. I think it's unhealthy. So please stay gone.. Don't come back.. because I need to let go and I can't do that with you here...
 
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