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Emotional Mess by carol15
October 2017

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October 17, 2017

I'm feeling so much right now. My heart is pounding. so much hope for the future with a mixture of fear and a pinch of wanting to let everything go. I'm happy scared and in a rut at the same time.

There is a man. I've mentioned him previously. but now i know things with him are not going to go anywhere. Even though i am disappointed i am grateful to have explored the possibility of a "us" with him. To me he is the right guy at the right time, but i'm not the right girl for him and that's fine. He helped me realize that i do one day want marriage. He helped me realize it by asking me how i felt about a courtroom wedding and then telling me that he would not marry me. both comments threw me for a loop but they also both made me think about what i wanted and i realized that i would like to get married and then have 2 children.

Of course that may not be the way things work out, but it's more than i have ever pictured before for myself. And it turned ironic because he then turned around to say that he doesn't even know if he wants to get married. how silly, the man that makes me think about marriage and whether it is something i would want or not and then i turns out he doesn't even know whether or not he wants to.

I went 3 weeks without speaking to him. neither of us messaged the other and in a moment of boredom i messaged him and we saw each other again a few days ago. We grabbed dinner and i had an amazing time.

I am generally a tense/reserved person, but when i went to see him my guard had dropped and i was calm and was able to speak my mind without overthinking everything. I realized after dinner as we cuddled on his couch how much i had missed him. We even did the whole butterfly kiss thing. It was weird but thinking back on it, it was sweet and i felt like it was out of character for him.

I'm very found of this man, but i know he won't become mine, i don't understand his logic but i must respect it. He came to the conclusion that even though he would date me he could not see us getting married which i get is why he rather not date me because it would be pointless if the idea of a forever is a no go. but i don't understand how he knows he wouldn't marry me. but that is the facts and i need to let it go.

I can see myself falling for him, spending more time with him, getting to know him. He calls me on my shit and makes me talk about my feelings... makes me face my feelings. I'm so appreciative of his impact on my life even if it is just a temporary romance.

Don't get me wrong this man is a complete asshat. haha. But i have felt so my more secure around him than any of the other men i have been with. I have my insecurities but i was so certain about him that when i realized we weren't on the same page i was thrown off. By secure i mean i didn't feel the need to question whether or not he liked me, i could tell in the way he would tickle me, and poke fun at me, pet me, and call me crazy. even though at first i took offense to being called crazy i realized it was his off way of showing me his feelings.

He helped me take a step past the man that has haunted my life for the past 2 years. The man i was obsessed with. I only hope i don't become obsessed him like the last guy. I have been there i no longer want to go back to that.

There is a lot more going on in my life but for now i will leave this journal to just him. His name is Nick. and i think it is time to leave him in my past and move on. Maybe this story isn't quite over, but for now, for me, it needs to be.

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