|finding my confidence|
June 22, 2017
So i guess part of the reason i have been getting the depressed is because in my own eyes my self worth was shot. I think part it had been for chasing a guy that has nothing to do with me.
I have lost 7lb out of the 20 i have gained in the past 2 years and already i feel my self worth raising. I don't think it was the weight that was keeping me down tho. I feel like it was the man that didn't want me, because if he didn't want me it said everything about how much a failure i am, because i was worthless, because i wasn't beautiful, because he could do better in the look, brains, and ambitious department. Just generally better. That it was my fault because i was crazy and clingy and i expressed my emotions. but there is nothing wrong with being all those things. Well i mean i was not a bad crazy lol.
What was wrong was not being able to contain my desire to text him, to talk to him, to have him be part of my life. I texted even when he didn't. I continue to text him even tho it has been 2 months since his last reply.
Maybe it's not even what he thought of me, but how i reach out to him because i feel i couldn't do better, that i need him because i loved how we were even when we weren't anything.
The level i would bring myself down to to be with him.
But what hurt worse is being convinced that he had feelings for me when he shows that he doesn't. Because he has a weird way of showing it?
I want him, and i fought for him, but there was no fighting back and i think that is why i struggled to see myself for who i am.
Beautiful, Capable, and Smart.