June 7, 2017
So i guess i just had a breakdown a few days ago. I seem to be getting them more frequently and they have become scary.
I've cleaned up my room since then. i know that doesn't make sense and it sound like a metaphor but it is not and i guess in a way it is tho. Seeing my room a mess makes me feel a mess.. when i feel down my room being trash just brings me down more, it makes me feel lazy in a sense and it makes me feel like i am the mess that the room presents and that i am all these negative things.
The new calendar i purchased looks amazing by the door, i can't wait to start using it next month, i had been wanting one but i had wanted a dry erase one i could change month per month year per year, but decided against it because my hand writing sucks and it would just end up turning me off too it, wanting it to be perfect and it never being so.
So i purchased a paper one and i mean the same situation will pop up in which my hand writing will suck but at least there is no changing it once it is written in pen.
Every time i pass by that calendar or decide to give it a glance from my bed i feel a bit of sunshine peaking out from my heart. cheesy i know haha
I want to start writing in here on a more frequent basis, in hopes that it will help with these drastic mood swings i seem to have.
I feel work also helps keep me from falling into the empty hole i tend to fall into.
I think i'm lonely and seeking for some for of validation, something that tells me that i am not a looser and that people do enjoy my company. I was trying to hard to be wanted and when i wasn't, i fell.
I am happy to spend time by myself and wanting to have a social life, seeing everyone else be out and about.. i felt trapped. i'm trying to stay away from social media for a bit. i still use it i just try not to look to deeply into things.
I need to learn to love myself again. i need to take away some of my insecurities, i need to quit longing for something i do not have and may never get.
I have a long road ahead of me to reach where i want to go, in which i'm not quite sure where that is.