|Sabbath Day Reflection.|
April 14, 2019
been a quietly busy day. i'm still training myself to rest during or after tasks. not just collapse on the bed but to really rest my muscles. i get muscle pain very easily now while doing even the lightest of tasks like slicing and chopping vegetables. i cannot hold and use large, heavy knives for very long now, so i use small paring and peeling knives. much easier on muscles. i get cramps in my fingers now. they lock and seize. very painful. i need full body, regular, deep-muscle massage. i can't afford it. about $100.00 per hourly session. so i massage areas as much as i can reach but this also means using muscles that are already fatigued and stressed : my hands.
ageing is scary on my own. being young on my own was far less scary in some ways. i am so grateful for being in a safe residential complex. very grateful. i may not see eye-to-eye with some of my neighbours, that's okay. that's life. if i let them keep on getting to me, they'll hurt my health even more.
i'm grateful for my beloved cats that i've been blessed with to love and care for. when you truly love someone, caring for them is not an issue. i find this to be so anyway.
my neighbour H's tiny house is being packed up by her daughter and partner. they are both very sweet people. some Maori people don't age. H. was 76 years on passing, and she never had any lines on her face. amazing. i thought she was about my age or younger. R. another neighbour thought H. was forty.
anyway the girls have been very sweet and given me some items from the house. wonderful stuff. two cat cushions (one has a crown on! that'll be Dekkie's), a beautiful batik handsewn quilt. i will display it on the wall. a wood plaque with two love birds carved on it. lovely items of clothing. such wonderful gifts. things that are special, that i can remember H. by, which is good.
the girls cannot keep anything because they live "across the ditch", (Sl. for Australia), so everything must be packed up and given to charity shops and also i want to help, so...i want them to make some money. a garage sale on site, and negotiate with two local dealers : one in clothes, the other in merchandise.
TMF will be coming by briefly after church.
i've done my cooking chores for the day and eaten well. my tummy is full and happy.
i've done my pet caring chores for the day too. Mr. Sandy cat is here on his chair sleeping. Miss Dekkie is not in fot the night yet. i still need to feed her.
i'm not entirely sure that she is pregnant. could be another false alarm.
it's the school holidays, so i need to send an Easter package to my grandchildren. a letter each to the oldest two as well plus more reading books. i miss them so much. every day i think of them and how they are. grandparents have no legal rights in this country apparently, so there is nothing i can do to enforce visitations between myself and my grandchildren. i have no desire to do that anyway. yes. i am angry with my daughter/son-in-law. so it's my anger i need to heal. i'm very grateful that my sister brings my grandkids down for little visits with Sparkles several times a year. it could be so much worse.
i need to start journalling dreams of late. they're pretty powerful things dreams. nightmares as well as good dreams. i'm starting to get stuck in dreams during my waking hours.
tired from typing and holding phone up to journal.
until next time, po mari e. ka ki te apopo.
A Voice Sans Regret.
listening to Jon Sweetman on THE SOUND 93.8 FM. Saturday entertainment broadcasting. ROVA app. or I♥radio.co.nz.
i can never apologize for my openess here. i have spent decades in professional therapy without coming out with much from them at all. i am talking thousands of dollars of professional time in the ballpark figure of 50 grand ($50,000.00) worth of professional time and THAT is a modest estimate people.
my latest book that i've nearly finished reading, about the life of war correspondent Marie Colvin has helped me tremendously to evaluate my therapy situation and moreso my life of extreme trauma. i am indebted to Hilsum for her work. i'm not saying that i am anything like Marie but i have entered and exited a warzone : satanic warfare and i am so grateful and relieved to be alive.
i open my curtains every day, inhale the spirit of a new morning, and intone within myself: this is life and i am grateful to be here.
my siblings -ALL- have suffered great trauma. i love them every one. break cycles of abuse. chronic abuse. love conquers eventually where it is meant to...
g'nite...po mari e...from Nueva Zelanda.