Just talk about that by nahatsu
February 2018
5Monday catching up
23Is this IT?!
Is this IT?!
February 23, 2018

After so many months/years of being critically ill, I have come away from the basic crisis and have found myself reflecting on life, it's woes, confinements, freedoms, lousy parts; good parts; and those events that shape out lives etc.

It's kind of weird. I've been missing my mother! I say weird because we didn't share an exactly empathetic kind of relationship! I mean, I was always there for my mother - that's because I loved and admired her. Can't say it was the same the other way round. But I sort of got used to it.

I'd found myself reflecting on the huge gap of differences from the way mum raised us; the beatings; verbal abuse and so on. It was not exactly a good one to recall!

But now I'm in a real quandary! Firstly, well (she said, shuffling / ambling along) I have managed to get quite old suddenly! I'm serious! I don't know how . . . . but after years of being quite young, I find myself confronting the change ill health has wrought in me- I can hardly bear to realise how much being ill takes from one's existence, and appearance. Only it does....

Secondly, I've somehow come out of a very long runway; a nasty pack of illnesses - in a fairly good state - however if we were to include the physical universe here - we'd be missing! Haven't figured out a solution yet. Sadly, for that to happen, we have to clear a space and quit making it so out of reach.

I'm speaking here ... because I can. No one else in my world knows what I'm feeling on what's to follow. You see I began wondering what would become of me if my husband passed away. I say that not in expectation, but rather under duress due to the quad bypass he's had and then, in more recent times, a procedure to unblock an artery to his heart (he'd been having chest/arm pains - hadn't told us etc) so it's now fixed but he looks permanently tired and they just put him off because there was not enough work where he'd had a job for nearly 2 years. We are devastated and I keep wondering (albeit helplessly) what's NEXT?

SO ...
* chest arm pains
* medical procedure to unblock artery
* diagnosed with cataracts (husband)
* Fired due to lack of work
*.....me....in pressure bandaging for about 10 months
and sick for nearly 2 years

I just don't know what I'd do if anything happened or who I'd turn to. It totally freaks me out and I began having very dark thoughts and feelings. Not like ME at all but then again I've never been backed into a corner so thoroughly and with the whole age thing as well....

Terrified is the word. Oh yeah I have two sisters out there somewhere (we're 'estranged') so - no hope. None. I dislike being so freaked - it's such a horrible feeling. But what can you do....

Join Now!
Sign in

July 2021
June 2021
May 2021
April 2021
March 2021
February 2021
January 2021
December 2020
November 2020
October 2020
September 2020
August 2020
July 2020
June 2020
May 2020
April 2020
March 2020
February 2020
January 2020
December 2019
October 2019
September 2019
July 2019
May 2019
March 2019
February 2019
January 2019
December 2018
November 2018
October 2018
September 2018
August 2018
July 2018
June 2018
May 2018
April 2018
March 2018
February 2018
January 2018
July 2017
March 2017
January 2017
September 2016
August 2016
July 2016
June 2016
May 2016
April 2016
March 2016
February 2016
January 2016
December 2015
November 2015
October 2015
September 2015
August 2015
July 2015
August 2014
July 2014
June 2014
May 2014
April 2014
March 2014
February 2014
January 2014
December 2013
November 2013
October 2013
September 2013
August 2013
July 2013
June 2013

Login to select
your favorite journals


Visit my Forum

© Website Copyright 2018 by My-Journal.com
© Journal Content Copyright 2018 by the Author
Terms of Service Agreement
Privacy Policy