|Is this IT?!|
February 23, 2018
After so many months/years of being critically ill, I have come away from the basic crisis and have found myself reflecting on life, it's woes, confinements, freedoms, lousy parts; good parts; and those events that shape out lives etc.
It's kind of weird. I've been missing my mother! I say weird because we didn't share an exactly empathetic kind of relationship! I mean, I was always there for my mother - that's because I loved and admired her. Can't say it was the same the other way round. But I sort of got used to it.
I'd found myself reflecting on the huge gap of differences from the way mum raised us; the beatings; verbal abuse and so on. It was not exactly a good one to recall!
But now I'm in a real quandary! Firstly, well (she said, shuffling / ambling along) I have managed to get quite old suddenly! I'm serious! I don't know how . . . . but after years of being quite young, I find myself confronting the change ill health has wrought in me- I can hardly bear to realise how much being ill takes from one's existence, and appearance. Only it does....
Secondly, I've somehow come out of a very long runway; a nasty pack of illnesses - in a fairly good state - however if we were to include the physical universe here - we'd be missing! Haven't figured out a solution yet. Sadly, for that to happen, we have to clear a space and quit making it so out of reach.
I'm speaking here ... because I can. No one else in my world knows what I'm feeling on what's to follow. You see I began wondering what would become of me if my husband passed away. I say that not in expectation, but rather under duress due to the quad bypass he's had and then, in more recent times, a procedure to unblock an artery to his heart (he'd been having chest/arm pains - hadn't told us etc) so it's now fixed but he looks permanently tired and they just put him off because there was not enough work where he'd had a job for nearly 2 years. We are devastated and I keep wondering (albeit helplessly) what's NEXT?
* chest arm pains
* medical procedure to unblock artery
* diagnosed with cataracts (husband)
* Fired due to lack of work
*.....me....in pressure bandaging for about 10 months
and sick for nearly 2 years
I just don't know what I'd do if anything happened or who I'd turn to. It totally freaks me out and I began having very dark thoughts and feelings. Not like ME at all but then again I've never been backed into a corner so thoroughly and with the whole age thing as well....
Terrified is the word. Oh yeah I have two sisters out there somewhere (we're 'estranged') so - no hope. None. I dislike being so freaked - it's such a horrible feeling. But what can you do....