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Toehold by Toehold
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March 14, 2019
March 14, 2019

There is sure a lot of denial in which I have engaged to get what I think I need over the past several months, not just in the whole past of my life. I've sure tried to not pull the "always", "never", and "every time this happens".

I've also tried to pull the comparison thing. "You think I'm bad? You should see him..." I pulled this when that asshole landlord had the gall to question whether "he needed to be concerned" about my family coming for dinner. I didn't see any necessity to look at my own reaction to what happened, because I figured no reaction was angry or hurt enough.

"I hurt more than", "that's fine for you, but my problems are just more trouble than..." This is a sort of form of uniqueness on my part. Well, in part, I was too crippled to get to a meeting by myself, but I could have asked Michael to drive me there, after I got to the point that I wasn't screaming over every pebble in the road, and when I could sit for a few minutes, at least. I just made my situation unique and so got to avoid God's will for me and facing myself even in my pain.

I blamed the pain for my unwillingness to try to get up sooner. I know I had to lie there and let my leg heal, but I didn't look at how really long I was stagnating until Michael commented that I did nothing but lie in my bed all day long." Well, I didn't exactly do nothing. I laid there and cruised Ebay and bought things until it seems that I am never going to get caught up financially. See? There I go with that "never" again.

I did manipulate to get what I wanted. Michael angrily told me, and continues to tell me, that the medication I take to relax and get some sleep. So I have lied, kept the secret, to be able to keep taking it. I have blamed using the medication, by saying to him in my own mind, and to myself, "You'd take it too, if you were so miserable you couldn't get any sleep." It is a victim mentality that keeps me just giving up and continuing to take the medication. "I can't help it", and "there is nothing I can do to improve the situation, so I'm never going to try."

This leads to compartmentalizing, separating things in my life from Michael, God, myself, and the people in my life. Again, "if they only knew, then..." Michael and I both do this crazy-making, and it has seemed to help me to justify my behavior by acting indignant and dismissing him that he cannot trust his own perceptions. I do this with my sister too, and with Daryl, and in fact with anyone I have an altercation with.

I use what I perceive to be my charm, my humor, or helpfulness to cover up my whole lack of sincerity. I try to avoid my own responsibility by story-telling and avoiding by my excessive story-telling. I am really trying here to avoid my own avoidance by just staying in my answers and not going into long detail.

I feel I have done as much as I can do for today. I have clicked some wrong button and erased large portions of this narrative already. That's an excuse, I know.
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