October 13, 2021
I had to reschedule that doctor appt, and it was a bad idea. I have been sick now for about 3 weeks and while it isn't awful it's not great. I was supposed to go in today but because of fever and other symptoms it will only be a phone appointment.
I am still not sleeping, my nasal areas are so backed up and painful and I just feel so terrible. I am aching, I have chills, yesterday I had a 102.1 fever.
The other aspect is I am realized how not okay I am internally. I have been trying to do the whole "fake it til you make it" thing but it is slowly eroding and I feel like I am going to lose my shit really soon.
Today I am just crying because I feel so physically awful but also so depressed and down that if I wasn't so afraid of death I might be worried about my bad thoughts. I would never hurt myself, I love my girls too much to even entertain the thought. And when I say I am afraid of death, I cannot covey how deep and dwelling that fear is.
What I really want is to scream. Just primal screaming over and over until I pass out. I am so tired of holding it all in all the time for everyone else and not letting anything out. I am fearful of scaring my family with how I am feeling. And my husband says he can understand, but when I start to express anything, his fear for me comes out as anger and so that is just another person I have to shield from my emotions.
I am hoping for some antibiotics and maybe some anxiety medication from my doctor today. Something has to help, I cannot keep going on like this. I am so tired, so so tired. I just want to feel better. I want some of this grief to ease. I want to feel any kind of happiness again. I want to be myself, to be me.
Instead I will hydrate, I took some nasal medication that will hopefully kick in soon. I know I keep saying it over and over, but I think I need some mental health help. As soon as this physical stuff passes, I am going to pursue that. Today I can really see clearly that I need it.
Are there people that offer screaming therapy?