August 27, 2020
I was in the car last night, alone which is not the norm anymore for me. There is always someone around me, always someone with me. Which is usually okay. But I do miss my alone time. I was just driving to pick up some dinner and I decided to put on my playlist in the car. I started to sing and my throat was so tight, my voice so cracked and working hard to get notes out and I realized that I never just sing anymore.
I am a singer myself, nothing professional but have always sung in some capacity or another. Whether it was in school, with independent groups, at church, weddings, etc. I could not remember the last time I sang. My vocal chords are tight and out of shape.
Honestly, I could not decide if it felt good to sing or not. I think since my mother died, it has drained so much joy out of me. Things that I previously enjoyed are blah to me now.
I don't know what I like, I don't know what makes me happy. I don't have a lot of interior joy like I used to. And the fact that I am never alone makes it very difficult for me to express anything openly about how I feel. I can't cry, or feel upset and show it. I rarely laugh, I smile but have to force it in order to make those around me feel better.
I need time to openly cry if I want to. I want to lay in my bed and cry and wail and I just cannot. I feel like tears and screaming are just constantly bubbling beneath the surface with nowhere to go, so everything just simmers.
On top of all of that, I feel like there is something physically wrong with me. I won't go into a lot of detail, but I feel poorly most of the time, I am not sleeping well, I cannot eat and when I do I feel ill. I have a phone appointment with my doctor today (since phone visits are all that are allowed in my area right now). I guess I will see what she suggests.
I just want to be happy, I want to feel free to express at least a little of my emotions. I think ultimately I want to have some peace in my soul. I will hold onto a belief that that will happen.