Ambassador for Change by Lovely Assistant
 
May 2020
1pick a side
13weighing in
22back to 'therapy'
back to 'therapy'
May 22, 2020

I know I've been writing a lot of stuff here about the government and the pandemic, but that isn't why I started this journal; it was supposed to be a place where I could record thoughts about external change rather than the day to day of life in my other journal. The lines seemed to have crossed back and forth over time. But, I'd like to bring it back to what I created it for.

That said, in an attempt to get my mind and my body back in alignment, I went back to the gym...the day after they reopened. It's the bro gym...a gritty, grunt and testosterone-fueled, bulging bicep, sort of space. It is not user friendly like the purple and yellow no-judgment chain. You have to know what you're doing there and why. I'm okay with that.

It's no secret that after I left isi, I was lost. I seriously felt like I got a divorce from them. It hurt. I suffered mentally and physically...then I gave up completely. If I couldn't find a trainer, I'd just be one. I'd be okay. I don't need to work out. My muscles began to atrophy. My knees hurt all the damn time. My quads got weak, so going up or down the stairs was a fucking chore. The weigh came back, slowly, but I was miserable.

Sure, after my cortisone shots I could walk for exercise, but it's not the same. Then it was Spring Break, and the shutdown; for days and days it seemed all I did was spend time with school stuff, watch TV, or play games on my phone. Some days, I didn't even go outside or shower. I can't imagine months of this. I'd be a babbling vegetable.

Here's what happened. I went on Wednesday. I did a light body-weight workout, and I felt good about it, even though I was anxious about going in, and had a mini-meltdown before doing so. It was nothing, nothing like what I used to do...probably a warm-up by those standards. But that little switch flickered a little. The one that says "Yesssss, you crave the movement, the pace, the music, the sweat...you remember, right?" I didn't go Thursday because I had a headache; the barometric pressure gets to me sometimes.

And then today, I went. 40 minutes or so; upper-body work and a nice stretch sesh. My head is clear. And, on the way home, it hit...that little switch was full-on..."Yaaaaaaas queen, you feel it, right? The blood pumping, the weeniest bit of endorphins and dopamine surging through the muscles of your arms and chest?" Why, yes brain, I do feel that. I do remember wanting to tear the bumper off of a Buick not in anger but because I'm strong enough to do so. Fold assholes in half...sure, let's do it!!

So, I asked myself, "Self, why do you let all this other shit stand in your way? No one is coming to rescue you. isi isn't going to change their 'ideal.' The perfect trainer doesn't exist. Don't you miss the movement, the function, the clarity, the purpose? Can't you tap into your own knowledge of your body and physical movement?" Mostly, I remember leaving all life's bullshit on the mat. What I can't get out in words, I can release in controlled physical enforcement.

There's confidence, determination, resilience, grounding, positive aggression, and emotional release. Dig for it. Find it...again. Henry Rollins said, "I like working out alone. It enables me to focus on the lessons the iron has for me." It sounds a bit like therapy to me. So be it.

Namaste~



Join Now!
Home
My-Journal.com
Sign in
FAQ
Help

May 2020
April 2020
March 2020
July 2019
June 2019
May 2019
November 2018
May 2018
January 2018
July 2017
June 2017
May 2017
April 2017
March 2017
February 2017
January 2017
December 2016
November 2016
October 2016
September 2016
August 2016
July 2016
June 2016
May 2016
April 2016
March 2016
February 2016
January 2016
December 2015
November 2015
October 2015
September 2015
April 2015
March 2015
January 2015
November 2014
October 2014
September 2014
August 2014
July 2014
June 2014
May 2014
April 2014
March 2014
February 2014
January 2014
December 2013
October 2013
September 2013
August 2013
July 2013
June 2013
May 2013
April 2013
March 2013
February 2013
January 2013
November 2012
August 2012
July 2012
June 2012
May 2012
April 2012
March 2012
February 2012
January 2012
December 2011
November 2011
October 2011
September 2011
August 2011
July 2011
June 2011
May 2011
April 2011
March 2011
February 2011
January 2011
May 2010
January 2010
October 2009
September 2009

   
Login to select
your favorite journals

PrevTop
 
All journeys have a secret destination of which the traveler is unaware. ~Martin Buber

Visit my Forum

© Website Copyright 2020 by My-Journal.com
© Journal Content Copyright 2020 by the Author
 
Terms of Service Agreement
 
Privacy Policy