|Pieces of Me are Missing Still...|
April 30, 2021
I feel so broken...It feels like a bad dream. This trying to adjust to not having my sweet Blue Eyes here with me in the physical...I miss him so much, but I feel him, I truly do. He promised me a few days before he died that I would know he was around because he would send me hearts and show up as a bright red cardinal now and then. Well, yesterday I did see a cardinal in my back yard and he looked right at me then flew over to my fence and I asked him, "Can you face me so I can get a photo so I can show my sisters?" and just then he turned around and I got a great shot of him looking right at the camera. (Thanks, my sweet Blue Eyes)...
But the hearts...oh my goodness...so many hearts have shown up in my life since he died. I've tried to take photos of most of them...there was the big blue blanket folded into a beautiful blue heart on the bed I slept in at my sister's house the first night I slept without my beautiful B.E. in this realm. My sister's housekeeper had, on a whim, folded that blanket into a heart because she thought my sis would get a kick out of it--having no idea I'd be the one to see it first or that my husband had even passed away. Then I started finding heart rocks, heart clouds, and when I got to Oregon to help my older daughter with her recovery from major surgery, the hearts just kept coming--my first one was a used tissue in the air port that was on the floor that was in the shape of a heart, a patch of moss shaped perfectly into a heart on my daughter's rock path leading to her door, then there was the Large heart shaped rock on that same path I found later that same day. Then there was the heart shaped piece of leather that fell off of the head board of where I was sleeping--it was on my pillow when I woke up my first morning there. Then the honey nut cheerios cereal I poured into my bowl was full of hearts--when we bought that box we had no idea they had a limited edition of boxes with little hearts in them and the shower curtain in Jen's bathroom was covered in black and gray circles and each circle that was in a fold of the curtain made a perfect heart! Then there was the heart shaped rock I found along the nature path we walked on in Oregon. That day was mine and B.E.'s anniversary and I was feeling especially sad and asked him out loud, "I need a heart, B.E., please???" And then two steps later, I look down and a perfectly shaped heart rock was at my feet. The day of my daughter's surgery (it was day surgery) she was eating soup at a shop they stopped at near the clinic and she sent me a photo of a perfectly formed heart in her spoon from the veggies in her soup...she assured me that her step dad was still with all of us...then there was the rubber band that I dropped and it landed in the shape of a heart, and then another tissue in the shape of a heart days later at my daughter's house. There were several more, but I can't remember all of them right now.
You would think that with all these signs, my own heart would be feeling joyful and delighted to know that my sweet husband is still with me in spirit and truly, I do feel joy knowing he is watching over me and helping me at times when I need him most...but oh, how I long for his hugs, his voice calling me his "sweet angel" and Baby Kitty and telling me how beautiful I am each and every single day. (Even tho I never really felt all that beautiful, when he said it to me, I did feel it as I looked back into his beautiful blue eyes and told him thank you.)
I feel lost. I didn't imagine it would be this hard. I was so sad towards the end when he was in so much pain--even though he tried so hard to hide the discomfort from me and played it down so well. But I knew he was hurting and I knew too that the last thing he wanted was for me to worry too much or be a mother hen, so I followed his cues and pretended along with him that he was somehow getting better...but those last few days...oh my gawd...he dropped so much weight, he couldn't eat, he lost his voice except for a whisper and I think that was the hardest thing for both of us...he couldn't sing to me anymore, he couldn't say all he wanted to say. I sang to him his last few hours of life in this realm...I hope he could hear me. I'm so glad we had so many talks before he lost most of his voice...
A few days before his voice was gone we talked about what he wanted for his memorial and he asked if I thought it might be okay to wait to have a memorial on his birthday in July. His thinking was that by then maybe Covid would be eradicated and it would be safe for us to gather...I thought that was a good idea...he wanted his body donated to science, to help those in the medical field to find a cure for this damn cancer and to use whatever parts were useable to help someone else and then have whatever (if any) remains cremated. I was in agreement...it's his body and his wishes mean so much. So we won't have any "remains" at the memorial, but we'll have our photos, our memories and our love and that's what is most important anyway.
I feel like my heart will never fully be the same...it hurts beyond description and even though I know we both did all that we could to make the best of the time he had left, I still feel like we were cheated somehow...but still...my goal for the remainder of my life is to live the best life I can so that my sweet Blue Eyes will be proud of me. I truly want to live up to the vision he saw in me and be that sweet angel and his sweet Baby Kitty and the strong, loving woman that he loved so deeply.
I love you to my core, Blue Eyes. Thank you for the time we shared and don't forget our new pact: In our next life, we've promised one another that when we meet again, we will NOT break up and get back together at some later date--when we meet up and fall in love again, we're STAYING together!!!