|Unloading and Rambling and Trying to Understand it All|
November 21, 2020
I keep telling myself to come here and write. To just vent out some of the craziness going on inside of me and to update those who care on how things are going along...
Thank you, DG for the prompt to update, for being the strong and beautifully awesome person that you are. You have such a way with words, you have my true admiration and respect for the wonderful woman that you are and I pray for you and yours daily and appreciate any prayers you send up for me and mine.
And dear Siri--you have always touched my heart, inspired me and made me think and my heart reaches out to yours with such love. I know you have been struggling with so much and yet, I have no doubt you will make it through--that your strength, and determination and drive will continue to guide and help you with all of life's trials. You and yours are always in my prayers and my heart.
Thank you for being here. Thank you to so many, many others who inspire me, who help me by just being who you are...Thank you especially to Frank for this awesome venue that keeps us somehow connected and giving us a safe place to write when we feel the need.
Many times I stop myself from posting because I know beyond a doubt that my problems are not any more important than so many others who are dealing with this crazy, chaos we refer to as life and I hate that sometimes I feel so lost and alone even though there are many who are dealing with far worse things than I am...
My Blue Eyes is still fighting Cancer. He is one of the most amazing people I know. Very rarely does he complain. We've had a few close calls to losing him and even then he stayed positive and said "this too shall pass" and then fought his way back. I wake up every day with such admiration for this true love of mine and yet I still have such anger inside of me too...Why? Why my Blue Eyes? I keep wondering--and then a conversation with my older daughter reminded me that we are all here to learn and grow and to do our best to experience being human and we're here to help and nurture one another and to love all who are on this realm with us.
My older brother is dying of heart disease. He had a massive heart attack back in March just before all hell broke loose with the pandemic. Since then he has been going down hill and yet, he stays positive, does what he can do and tries to reassure us that he's fine, but we know he's not. He's lost over 100 lbs (which he did need to lose), but it was his illness that caused the weight loss, not the will to lose weight. He is on oxygen 24/7 and we're not sure when his decrepit, failing heart will finally quit on him, but he is still doing his best to be the kind, caring soul that he is. But I can't even go see him. Can't risk exposing him to my germs, etc...Can't risk exposing my sweet Blue Eyes to my brother's germs either...so we pretty much cocoon and try to stay safe from the virus and/or any pathogens that might wreck havoc on my Blue Eye's immune system.
Living in fear was never part of the plan, but so many (including me) are INDEED living in fear--feeling stymied and almost paralyzed by the current events, by our own personal trials, by the thought of losing our loved ones and wondering when (if ever) will this horrible year of 2020 ever end?! But even when it ends, will things get better? I certainly hope so...but I'm no longer as sure as I once was...the only thing I can cling to is love for so many in my life who are doing their best to carry on and carry through.
One of my great nieces has Covid and I pray for her daily that she will pull through. She's a young adult, so has a good chance of making it through this damn virus, but she's struggling and we worry...
My sister's daughter who was in the wreck that nearly killed her and left her with a traumatic brain injury has finally gotten treatment for her brain issues and is doing so much better! She is on a boat load of medications, but at least now she is not as paranoid and angry all the time and she is even pleasant to share time with--so right there is some true hope that things do change and get better. I never really thought I'd see this young woman be who she was before all the drugs and the car wreck, but she's coming back to us (though she has lost a lot of her memories).
My children are still scattered across the country--J and family are in Oregon and have been through so much, but J seems to be expanding her growth through all of life's lessons these past few years. D and his wife are still in Florida, working hard to get healthier and are quite content to social distance from all--she has such a low immune system that it's too risky for her to be around others. My youngest A is still her assertive and independent self--living with her significant other (he's a sweet guy) and throws caution to the wind and travels every chance she gets and does not worry about catching the virus. Sigh...perhaps she is delusional, but I dare say she's far happier and more content with her life now than some years ago. She has matured somewhat, yet still is estranged from her father and refuses to attempt a reconciliation. I've had to accept that and try not to worry about it. Her dad is trying to patiently wait for her to come around some day--he's made a few attempts to contact her, but she is just not ready.
My heart aches for all who feel as I do--unsure and frightened of whatever future we will have in a country run by a complete moron who doesn't even have the decency to concede to the overwhelming desire of the American people to get him GONE from our White House. I am so proud that we have spoken with our votes and I just wish the Republicans would grow up and realize that Trump is an abomination and an embarrassment and a true disgrace to humanity and to our country. I still pray for him, still hope he will somehow become a better human being, but so far, I cannot find any reason to believe that it will come to pass when he will realize that he needs to be a better person. It's just so very sad (and frightening)
But hey, life goes on, right? We truly are all in this together and we truly are all as ONE. I'll never give up on the good people. Like Mr. Roger's reminds us of his mom's words, "When tragedy occurs, look for the helpers." (I paraphrased that quote, but you get the gist). I do look for the helpers and the people who really care and I try to join their ranks and do good as often as I can and help those in my life that I am capable of helping.
Please know that I will never close off my loving heart--I know the day must eventually come when life's lessons will shed true understanding and enlightenment, but in the meantime, I am here loving, caring, praying, sharing whatever I can to help others, to reassure myself that I am not cold and hard and also I remind myself that one day I will not be living in fear.
Thank you, each and every one for being here. Thank you for joining me in not giving up on HOPE. We'll make it through this somehow, someway...